Nation’s Retirement Advisors Recommend Unicorns And Prayer, Mostly Prayer

WASHINGTON D.C. – Experts at The American Retirement Institute released the results of a widespread study of the retirement savings of American workers this week.  According to Larry Walden at ARI, the news is grim.  “Many Americans have little to no money put away for retirement, and with the normal spending habits observed in our research, we recommend the average worker pray for a magic retirement unicorn in their future.”  Walden stated that the data from the study confirmed some assumptions from researchers, but was “un-effing believable” in it’s sheer scope and magnitude.  “We were floored to see that over 50% of American families had no retirement savings at all.  None.”  Walden added, “Our first recommendation was to immediately start maxing out their 401k and IRA options, but after realizing the staggering idiocy demonstrated in past behavior, we feel praying for unicorns is a more appropriate course of action”.


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