Your Money Horoscopes

Aries
You’ll realize your frugality is out of control while waiting to meet a stranger in a back alley for a bag of aluminum cans.

Taurus
After reading the Millionaire Next Door, you break into your neighbors house only to find a half empty bag of Funyons and a copy of “Deliverance” on VHS.

Gemini
The movie theater staff will confiscate your BYO popcorn, but your girlfriend still has those loose tater tots in her pocket.

Cancer
You’ll teach your teenage children the value of ‘house-hacking’ by paying them a monthly allowance for living in your spare bedrooms.

Leo
The 1000 Yen you found in your old shorts from your vacation in Japan will turn into a bank donation after you realize the conversion fee is higher.

Virgo
The Oscars after-party ticket you won through your credit card failed to mention it was bring your own drugs.

Libra
You’re rapidly developing the reputation as “that annoying coupon fucker” to the employees at your local Safeway.

Scorpio
After downsizing your storage unit from 300sq ft to 200sq ft, you celebrate by ordering 500 back issues of Minimalist Magazine, in hardcopy.

Sagittarious
Go on, flirt with that debt collector who keeps hounding you.  She’s totally into you.

Capricorn
You’ll find yourself Googling “recipes for that jelly stuff when you open Spam” in an attempt to stretch your food budget.

Pisces
Forced frowns will rule the day at your grandpa’s funeral after finding out he left you $1 million.

Aquarius
You’ll lose three nights of sleep until you can resolve the comment from your AirBnB guest that simply says “We’re very sorry, but it’ll probably be easiest to just replace the entire toilet”.

Contributions were made by 5amJoel, who may or may not be a Libra.