Walmart Prepares Greeters For Black Friday With Bear-Proof Kevlar Suits, Emergency Flairs

BENTONVILLE, AR – Mega retailer Walmart announced plans to outfit store greeters this Black Friday with protective Kevlar suits designed to survive an attack from a grizzly bear.  “Black Friday has become so much more than just a shopping day.  We want to assure our associates, especially our greeters who are on the front lines, are properly equipped to do battle.” said Walmart Chief of Staff Samuel Conroy.  “These suits are state of the art, and can survive an attack from a grizzly bear, so we’re confident they’ll protect our greeters on this most holy of days”.  In addition to the suits, greeters will get emergency flairs to signal when they go down. 

According to greeter Tom Franklin these improvements are much needed safety measures and couldn’t come too soon.  “Last year I went down over by the hot dog stand after trying to ward off the mob for maybe 3 or 4 minutes.  I wasn’t hurt bad, but I couldn’t signal for help.  I had a bunch of fat guys on top of me yelling stuff about big screen TV’s and drooling.  These flairs would have helped mark my spot for the emergency responders and also maybe to get the customers off me.  We tried them in training today, they put off quite a lot of sparks”. 

As of press time news of the new safety measures went over well with greeters in general, most of whom are in their 3rd week of intensive physical training at “Black Friday Bootcamp” at a secret location in Arkansas.