My Life Is An Iceberg
I’m financially independent. If I wanted to I could totally separate from my job and I’m 99.9% sure I’d never run out of money. Ever.
And in case you’re wondering, I wouldn’t even have to withdrawal 4% anually to make that happen. I over-achieved, and hope to continue to do so.
I’m also semi-retired and scaled down to part time at my W2 job almost 2 years ago. I use my new free time to learn, explore, relax, and create. And nap. I’m much better at taking naps now and I have to tell you it’s improved my life in a massive way.
By all appearances I’ve got it made, I’ve won. While that perception might be true to the person striving to achieve the same, it’s not the whole picture.
What You Can’t See
That of course is an iceberg. What you see is what you see, but what you may not realize is that about 90% of the iceberg is underwater. Ice has nine-tenths of water’s density, so one-tenth of it actually rises out of the water, but the rest stays beneath.
So when you see an iceberg you’re only seeing one small part of it.
Here’s the thing, that’s the same for me, and for pretty much everyone. What you see of my situation – the freedom, the success, the independence – is the top of the iceberg.
What’s hidden under the water, the other 90% of my story, is the hard work, discipline, stress, childhood trauma, luck, and failure that got me here.
And that’s true for everyone. We’re all icebergs. Unless you know someone’s backstory you don’t know the 90% of what got them to where they are now.
Stories Untold
Finger pointing and labeling are popular these days. Being quick to judge a person by their “group” or some other random classification is disingenuous, judgmental, and frankly in poor taste.
Everyone has a story, everyone is struggling or fighting with something.
Life dishes out trauma and struggles that cannot be measured by someone’s belittling desire to rank them.
Playing the “struggling olympics” by trying to quantify who’s had it worse in life is a stupid and futile exercise. Life dishes out trauma and struggles that cannot be measured by someone’s belittling desire to rank them.
Those who appear to be winning the game of life now might have gone through a hell that you can’t possibly imagine to get where they are. And those who appear to be struggling and self-destructing just might have a good reason.
So when you read about someone’s current story or meet someone in person realize you’re dealing with an iceberg. Unless you know their back story, what you see is likely the result of triumphs and struggles you’ll never know.
So, so true, Dave. I had this conversation at work on Wednesday after hearing mind blowing stories from multiple patients. It just goes to show you have no idea what other people are dealing or have dealt with until they tell you. I once had a friend tell me I couldn’t understand her suffering because I hadn’t suffered enough, but she knew very little of my life. The only things she chose to see were that I bought a home on my own and travel a lot. She chose to ignore how incredibly hard I worked for these things, what I sacrificed along the way, or the miserable years I spent living with a revolving door of roommates to earn these things. When I tried to explain that to her, she refused to listen, insisting she had it harder.
Sounds like she has a victim mentality
Exactly.
I agree. We often make snap judgements when we meet someone. If they are wealthy we think they are lucky, etc. We do not know the sacrifice it took to get to that level of wealth (of course they could have inherited it all as well but majority of people don’t fall into this)
Yep, the stats show that only a small minority of super wealthy inherited the money
Many years ago, following a charity concert in Vienna, the great violinist Itzhak Perlman spoke with members of the audience who were invited backstage to meet him and ask for his autograph.
One man approached him and said: “Mr. Perlman, you were phenomenal tonight. You were absolutely amazing!”
Perlman smiled and said “Thank you.”
The man said, “All my life I have had a great love of the violin, and I have heard every great violinist, but I have never heard anyone play the violin as brilliantly as you did tonight”.
Perlman smiled and said nothing.
The man continued, “You know Mr. Perlman, I would give my whole life to be able to play the violin like you did tonight.”
Perlman smiled once more and said: ”I have.”
Great story!
Agreed when your winning the race no one wants to hear how hard it was or is and there in no point in trying to make other people understand your struggles.
So true
Wait. You mean Facebook posts about the good life aren’t real? Dang.
It’s a good reminder to all of us. No one has it all together. Everyone is broken in some way,. Appearance is just that. Surface level. It’s the stories beneath the surface that shape a person.
Well done, Dave, as always.
Sorry to break that news about FB to you Fred. You’ll recover 😉 Thanks for the kudos!
90% of the hard work and suffering is done when nobody is watching. most folks don’t want to put all those negative events publicly out there and come off as a downer. i think i’m like that, but try and sprinkle in a little hardship to show the contrast. i grow tired of that competition to see who had it worse too.
i used to work with a waiter in new orleans who grew up in the projects and had it rough in life. he was 40 something years old and his goal was to raise his family “not in the projects.” he succeeded in that. from the outside you might feel a little sorry for him as “just a waiter” but in my eyes he won by getting the whole squad out of that pit and pointed in a better direction.
Baltimore is full of guys like that waiter. Uppity folks from DC see them as blue collar minions, but many did well for themselves and improved their situation a lot.
Working with kids will teach you this lesson quickly! A student has everything together, and then just suddenly falls apart due to stress, family struggles, or some toxic bullying they’ve been dealing with for months.
People are a lot more complex, and deal with a lot more, than they ever want to let on. This is a good reminder.
I can imagine you see a lot of that teaching kids, thanks for the comment!
A great visual analogy. Spot on, and a good reminder for all of us to be aware of what you can’t see.
Thanks for stopping by my friend!
Spot on. “So what’s your story?” That’s one of my ice breaker questions to patients as we get them settled upon admission. Sometimes it will be a quick recap of their current illness, but more often than not you will get an entire life story sometimes in two minutes or less. People want to feel valued and validated, not judged. Love your daily quotes by the way.
Great comment Linda, and I think that explains why people want to broadcast their story online, for validation. Although social media is turning out to be a mostly bad place to do it. Thanks for the kudos!
Right. 99% of the hard work is behind the scene. What other people see is just a tiny slice of the whole production. I try to be pretty transparent on my blog, but it’s still a very small slice of my life.
You’re super-transparent Joe, and we know you worked your butt off to get where you are!
40 years ago, I had a friend commit suicide. By all outward appearances he was happy and stable, but obviously was deeply troubled.
That 95% was in terrible pain and no one knows what caused it to this day.
It haunts me even now.
I always wonder what happening between people’s ears.
Wow, sorry for your loss. When I read your comment I immediately thought of Robin Williams. Funny and happy on the outside, but he had demons too
A wonderful Mindful teaching today 🙂
Thank-you for sharing
Thanks for the kudos as always Chris!
Wait, your name’s Dave, right?
Seriously, you have a really great point here to remind us all that so much of life is actually in our perceptions. Also, I should say that I got a great book recommendation by wearing your “STOICISM” T-shirt at CampFI. It’s called “The Obstacle is the Way”. I’m just starting that book, but it reminds me a bit of your story and success.
That one is another on my reading list, we should swap books more often!
Great story. There is so much more to life than can appear, in this case financial independence but really in anything. It just goes to show you that you can’t judge or think you know someone at a quick glance.
Exactly
Is this similar to when someone says I just made $10,000 trading bitcoin yesterday but doesn’t mention the 99 other times money was lost on bad trades.
Ha!
Really great post, Dave. The “struggle Olympics”, ha! It’s so true that we never know what kind of battle another person may be fighting or had been fighting to get to where they are at. People are fascinating and I love hearing their stories.
Thanks for the kudos and for stopping by Deanna!
And even when you DO know their back story, there’s likely plenty you still don’t know.
So so true Angela. Many people never reveal certain parts of their story, likely out of shame or trauma. I can’t say that hasn’t happened to me
Well said. Unfortunately, most of us still judge others based on what we can see. Good reminder to pause judgment and try to understand people’s perspectives and stories.
Indeed, thanks for stopping by!