Your Money Horoscopes

Aries
You’ll achieve new levels of hypocrisy when you drive an eighth of a mile to the nail salon in your massive SUV immediately after bitching about climate change on Twitter.

Taurus
After reading self-help books, you try to take more risks in life by wiring money to that Nigerian barrister for the exclusive CBD-infused Canadian Viagra.

Gemini
Your “I’ll start a budget tomorrow” strategy presents new opportunities for success everyday.

Cancer
After joining Taco Bell’s loyalty rewards program you’ll race to get a free taco before diabetes and congestive heart failure set in.

Leo
Your side hustle of donating sperm for cash will force you to question if the world needs more of you.

Virgo
You’ll save 40% on your hip replacement by bringing your own Craigslist purchased hip to surgery.

Libra
The six unused rooms in your massive McMansion are a perfect place to store debt collection notices and empty antidepressant bottles.

Scorpio
That 50% off colonoscopy coupon expires soon, just sayin….

Sagittarious
You will regretfully Google “should my financial adviser be included in my will based on his advice?”.

Capricorn
Day trading, pork belly futures, and Bitcoin will rule the day as you take a break from sanity.

Pisces
Your monstrous lift-kitted pickup truck will drain your wallet, but fail to increase the size of your penis.

Aquarius
In a dream where blue lemurs play the ukulele at a Hungarian-Themed Waffle House, you’ll convince yourself you have enough saved for retirement.