Between Chaos And Peace
Off To Climb The Maroon Bells
I found a mostly empty and quiet gate at the airport with room to stretch. The traffic plagued ride and chaotic security line put me in a funk.
There were 5 huge TV screens blaring out the bile of the day, and everyone was walking with heads down, buried in their phones. I numbly took the scene in, as if from afar. People shuffling robotically with eyes glued to their devices, fingers tapping, oblivious to the others around.
I was preparing my mind for the slowdown. My destination was the Rocky Mountains, far beyond the crazed signal-overload of modern life. Twelve days in the wilderness.
These transitions aren’t easy. Escaping to real wilderness these days has the feeling of going through a space-time portal. Like entering another world.
I imagine it’s how astronauts feel as they leave the grip of Earth for the desolate vacuum of space. An abrupt transition from complex to simple, with a necessary, violent, and perhaps unwelcome re-entry down the road.
Relentless
Sometimes I feel like I’m not made for this world. This world where everything is accelerating, all the time.
My unwelcome anxiety comes not from a single identifiable point, but from almost everything. It comes from life, our social constructs, this multitasking chaos we’ve created.
There’s 5x more of this, and 3x more of that. Everything’s faster, but apparently not fast enough. Because a faster version will appear tomorrow. New and improved is on endless repeat, and life is a continuous upgrade.
The ubiquity of data and information, our mountains of disposable stuff, and the relentless motion of social trends make me feel what I can only describe as “pressurized”. Like an aircraft cabin at altitude.
There’s an implication of urgency in everything. Speeds have increased, but connections have faltered. We move faster, yet see less. We communicate more, but lack deeper connections. Disposable conveniences are everywhere, while discomfort and effort are shunned.
We have endless choices, and at any moment could be doing something else. Why sit quiet and enjoy the summit of the mountain when you could be texting about it and posting on Instagram?
This constant overstimulation and acceleration have affected me. Sometimes I feel like the world might burst from the pressure. I’ve actually been experiencing dreams more often where things explode. Random things.
It’s disturbing.
I do a lot of this to myself. I’m ravenous for knowledge, and create pressure on myself to be constantly reading and learning.
I churn through podcasts, blogs, and documentaries like water. While I enjoy them, their cumulative weight creates a momentum to accumulate more. As if there’s an invisible drill sergeant barking in my subconscious.
“Keep going… give me another rep… you gonna stop now? What are you, weak?”.
Climbing Snowmass Mountain Colorado
Tourist In The Quiet
A former girlfriend once told me “you never look happier than when we’re in nature together, you come alive, like you’re a different person”.
Her comment has stuck with me through the years, and I often think about the person she saw in me at those times, the one my bathroom mirror can’t show.
Despite being born and raised in a big city, perhaps I’m meant for the country. I know for sure when I escape to a quieter and simpler lifestyle from time to time, it gives me life and just feels good.
No sirens or vehicle noise. Minimal technology and distraction. Blissful quiet, a sky full of stars.
But at those times I’m a tourist. Like an astronaut I’m not going to that quiet world to stay. The excitement of being there is elevated by the novelty of the place itself and how different it is from normal life, from the reality waiting at home.
More and more I’ve been questioning where I belong. Not in a religious or spiritual sense, but a geographic one. Why live with the pressure at all when I have a choice?
Climbing Challenger Peak, Colorado
Being FI Has Given Me Choices… But
My financial independence and semi-retired lifestyle have relieved certain stresses, but created others. A pressure to launch a new me, or “me 2.0”, has emerged. This new me of course has to be bigger, better, and more accomplished. He has to use his wealth to make an impact on the world. He has to of course, optimize. It can feel exhausting.
And there’s still laundry to be done…
There’s a quote that goes “Live in a big city once, but leave before it makes you too hard. Live in the country once, but leave before it makes you too soft.”
Financial independence is amazing. I have money and means, I have choices. I live in a place that’s far from the chaos of New York or Chicago, but I still often find it too noisy and busy. I’m lucky to get a faint glimpse of Orion’s Belt or the Big Dipper once in a while. Sirens and helicopters are a frequent part of my soundtrack.
It’s hardened me.
Climbing In The Tetons, August 2019
In August 2019 I spent almost two weeks in the Grand Tetons, climbing and hiking every day. That’s where I was going when I was detoxing at that airport gate. Each night I’d sit in the campsite and enjoy the slow pace of things. The jaw-dropping mountains and scenery, the fresh air.
But mostly the quiet.
I was with my climbing partner Adam and his wife, but it couldn’t have been more different than spending time with people at home. We’d recap the days climbing adventures or just discuss topics about life in general over food and candle lights.
Our conversations were slow and deliberate, with long pauses between thoughts. The setting demanded that, and any attempt to bring the hurried pace of interaction from home would seem hopelessly out of place and unwelcome.
There was no beeping, no alerts, no distractions except the occasional coyote howl or birdsong. A life beyond pixels. I could feel myself at peace, and content.
I could feel the softening.
Me Negotiating The Slippery Stuff In Colorado
Where Should I Be
While I sometimes dream of living in the country or the mountains, I fear the possible downside, that it will isolate me. I’m at a time in my life where I’m struggling to hold onto longtime friendships, as distance and divergent lifestyles push them apart.
At the same time making new connections and friends, the kind that matter, seems to be harder than ever. Becoming more hermit-like in search of quiet and a slower pace of life might not be the best way to strengthen social bonds.
I also have an elderly Mother to take care of in Baltimore, and a new romantic interest in my life who lives near me, and likes it here. Moving would have implications.
Am I stuck with the reality of having to go back and forth between chaos and peace? Between noise and quiet? Does modern life demand living in the ying for social connection until the pressure builds too high, with periods of yang to counter it and get blessed relief?
Sometimes I reflect on this and scoff at my situation. This is the problem of a patrician. I have an amazing life, am rich, and am happy most days. But like everyone else I’m seeking to add to my happiness, not see it diminished or slowly eroded by my environment.
Delayed gratification and the discipline to forego conveniences and luxuries got me to financial independence and good health. Can these same traits help me now before life hardens me up too much?
It is an interesting conundrum. Be with nature and have a true disconnect but then feel isolated versus being immersed in a city but subject to sensory overload.
A compromise could be more/longer vacations or even getting a cabin in the woods to decompress periodically.
Congrats on the new romantic interest by the way.
You’re on to me Doc, I didn’t mention it in the post but for years now I’ve been thinking about getting a mountain cabin or getaway of some sort. The downside to that is that I’d rather not complicate my life with another property, more responsibility, and more stuff. I tend to chew on big decisions like that for a while, and I’m still chewing 🙂
I could sign up under every word. I was told by many I change, every cell of me, when I am in the mountains. I look different. I feel different. I want to stay there forever. I never want to come back to real life…
Coming back to real life does suck in many ways after being in the mountains. For me it’s also the ocean or the desert or whatever, I just love being outside in nature.
Well done. I really relate to this. As someone weeks from pulling the “FI trigger”, I already feel the burden of Me 2.0. My wife and I also have the freedom of choosing where to live after we leave the big city jobs, but the decision has been surprisingly difficult and stressful, not at all what I expected. I also get the sense that some of our friends are finding us less and less relatable as we discuss stepping away from the traditional workforce. Thanks for sharing this well-written post on the realities of financial independence. It’s fantastic, but it’s not a panacea.
Being less relatable to friends is something I’m experiencing a little too and it bugs me. I’m the same person. Some of my friends are no doubt a bit jealous of what I’m doing but I’m not going to preach to them on how to change unless they ask.
Thanks for the kudos!
Another great post, full of honesty about your struggle. I routinely wonder about trading city life for a more serene setting, one with less traffic, congestion, noise, etc., but I’m not FI yet and don’t want to trade my city salary yet. So I’m stuck for now. I know how renewing being in nature is – I felt that way after hiking in Harpers Ferry a few months ago. It’s an amazing feeling! But I wonder the same thing you do about whether or not it’d be the same to live that way. Tough decision.
Tough indeed, thanks for the kudos.
One of your best posts ever. The struggle to find ourselves is real, and we’re fortunate that FI gives us options that others don’t have. Savor the journey, and sincere best wishes in finding that 2.0. For the record, I’d encourage you to challenge this statement: “This new me of course has to be bigger, better, and more accomplished. ” There’s no pre-determination on what your 2.0 has to be. It’s entirely up to you. Choose wisely. I suspect you will. Great post.
I’ve gotta read more on your blog as well but I recall that life in the mountains has been great. You got me on the thought of “apartment for a few years with a house in the country” near the end of our careers. I hadn’t thought of that before until I read that post of yours.
I appreciate you challenging me on that, believe me I keep trying to challenge myself. Folks like us who have achieved this great thing (FI) are by nature I guess, achievers. I feel kind douchy saying that but it’s true. So I have this inherent drive. But like you said my 2.0 can be whatever and I have to figure that out.
Thanks for the kudos on the post!
I envy those that can make a choice with seemingly little care to those around them. My wife and I are also in your desperate situation of whether to stay or go. Recently retired at 54/51 we struggle with staying in the city or moving away to a quieter, cheaper place. My brothers care not of the ailing parents, they care not of the lost holidays or the chores the parents can no longer do on their own. I on the other hand feel the weight and the chaos and long for freer and quieter path, I long for deeper relationships and meaning in my life. But I feel an anchor, a heavy anchor holding me until I too become of an age that I can no longer move, Thanks for the deeply thoughtful post and making me feel a little more desperate today, HAHAHA
Some folks do seem to be able to make these big choices with a laissez-faire attitude, and I envy them too. “Anchor” is a pretty good way to describe it, I hear ya. Best of luck
OK, this is very similar to what is going in my head right now. My wife and I don’t know what will happen long-term but we see major pros and cons to rural life, small town life, and city life.
As we’re in the city now, the quick drives to state parks on the weekends or taking time off during the week is a decent compromise. But I gather that our neighborhood is quieter than yours so that makes our home base less annoying on that front.
For now, we take our frequent trips out of the city. Long-term, sure, we might be out of the city. But we’ll almost certainly stay within a few hours of it. Too many family members and other friends around here. Perhaps a “destination” home is in our future to encourage people to visit. Maybe it is for you? Get a guest house and old friends may want to carve out time for a cheap place to stay in a great area.
Also, there is something positive about the back and forth (or forth and back as my grandfather would say) between locations. When based in the city, there is super appreciation being in the rural setting, the mountains, by the big lake, etc. All the time in a great location would be nice, I’m sure. But having it be not the norm makes it so fun when there.
Being there for your mom sounds like a good idea. Sticking around for your romantic interest also sounds like a good idea. Enjoy the struggle of an excellent situation. 😉
Man, lots of great points here. Where I’m at in the DC area I can get to the ocean in 2.5 hours, the mountains in 1.75 hours, and tons of other interesting places. So I do appreciate that and I make use of it. I also think of a destination home or cabin.
Lastly, yes I agree there is a certain positive to the back/forth. You appreciate what you come back to, at least some of it. When I come home from the mountains I don’t appreciate the noise and chaos, but I do appreciate paddling on the Potomac River and my huge tribe of cycling friends. Good luck to you!
there might be such a thing as too many options, dave. like you, we have only one parent left between the two of us and we’re not too far away. we like it that way but know it won’t be that way forever. while i’ll keep working until it starts to suck there will come a time to look for that “goldilocks” landing spot. we’re not from here and even though it’s small and i enjoy our house i feel no loyalty to buffalo. the world being our oyster at that point will have its own challenges. i agree the biggest issue is the social one. i think i could go semi-rural if there was a college nearby or something like that. having younger people around doing young people activities is probably a good thing. like you said, every time we visit the adirondacks i say to myself “this is great but i could never live this remotely full time.”
i’m looking forward to reading where you finally land, even if part-time. i would try reading some great fiction to tune out the noise. it’s completely for entertainment but less brain putrifying than the idiot box.
I’ve had a post about the paradox of choices (ie, too many) partially written for over a year now but it’s floundered. Might need to revisit.
Great point about young people, I don’t know what I’d do with out the young ‘uns in my cycling tribe, they motivate me and keep me healthy. And teach me new slang 🙂
And regarding fiction, I’ve read a few times recently the benefits of it. I rarely ever read fiction because I found it useless after college, but I think you’re right, perhaps I need to dive in again. For the escapism if nothing else.
Dave, terrific post and I’m sure many like myself can relate. My “mountains” are Ireland. We have visited often and I can’t wait to get back. For me, the time we spend on the west coast of the country is where I’m most comfortable. The rush of everyday life slows down and provides time to reconnect with our family and friends. Somehow, Ireland clears my head as the mountains clears yours. I yearn to go back for a much longer stay and take comfort in knowing that it’s in our future.
I’ve been to Ireland once and absolutely loved it, can’t wait to go back. I can see why it’s your mountains. Thanks for the kudos!
You and I are so alike, I think those of us who spend time in the alpine come away with a different mindset. As for making lists be careful and watch out with the optimization.
I said this to a friend the other day who was making his 2020 list… I would focus on goals that surround education and learning something new. This builds on our understanding of things outside our knowledge and/or control. It also helps us be mindful of what others are doing or achieving, to have greater appreciation for their accomplishments or skills.
Do these things for yourself first and foremost and don’t be hard on yourself along the way.
I then followed up with;
Remember though, I am not enabling you here, to create goals or recordable achievements, only stating that learning is key in our lifelong journey. But be careful with it all “it is not the man who has too little but the man who craves more, that is poor” . Myself I see this quote as speaking to both belongings as wells as achievements, so pause and reflect on your motivations. After that if it still speaks to you and makes sense on your path then kick some ass!
Great post my friend
Lots to chew on in your comment Chris. As Fritz commented, my self-imposed stress about “me 2.0” does need to be tempered. I do focus on learning new things, but as I wrote in the post sometimes I think I take it too far. I probably need more nights where I watch a mindless comedy movie and just chill. I should get out the old Caddyshack and Animal House tapes 🙂
“the man who craves more is poor”. Great quote. I’ve been super good at not doing this with things, but with achievements, yeah, more work to be done there. You’re right, the practice of pausing and reflecting on accomplishments should be done more often.
Thanks for the kudos dude and the great comment!
I should also say that I am guilty often of the same thing, too many goals and being too hard on myself. Thus why the occasional breaks to bust out the GPS and make sure I am on the right “path” 🙂
I see a theme. Lots of Colorado pics. Perhaps that a sign, don’t you think?
You’re on to me!!
It’s taken a great deal of practice, but I’ve come to appreciate the feeling of going through that portal. The frustration of adjustment forces an acknowledgement of the challenges in bridging vastly different cultures, motivations, eras – even within the same family I might add – that we need reminders of how enormous and variable the physical world still is, how there are “more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt of in your philosophy…”
Having said that, I’m incredibly sensitive to noise and basically live in earplugs.
In my twenties I tried to do “My religion is to live – and die – without regret”; in my forties that seems easier said than done. Questions spiral back with no clear answers, the goalposts for self-actualization have moved, and the options are bewildering. “Happy problems”, my work-friend calls them – which can be slightly exasperating since the problems still need solving, but I appreciate his re-direction. The doors I took such effort to open in my younger days, simply can’t all be kept open with the passage of time – and with that we’re back to “You can have anything you want, just not everything you want.”
On the logistics end of things: One of the personal projects we’re currently working on is a seasonal summer base in the north woods, close to family and friends and a communal maker space. (Administering full ownership of a seasonal getaway only makes sense within quite limited parameters – fortunately we have family in Colorado we can visit.) So we’re thinking of an off-grid low-risk footprint which we can lock up and walk away from for the frozen months of the year.
And that’s how this once upon a time big-city gal is shopping for surplus portable military shelter 🙂
A seasonal summer base in the north woods… oh man I often dream of this. Our summers in the D.C. region are brutal and my least favorite season. I love the long daylight hours but when those daylight hours are 93 degrees with 90% humidity until 9:00 at night, it’s no fun. And then I’ll look at the weather in Vermont or New Hampshire in summer and see 78 degrees and start dreaming of that remote cabin.
Thanks as always for the thoughtful comment!
Yep am back “home” in the SEAsian tropics for the winter season – I know this >90°F/>90% humidity of which you speak. Reminds me why I wanted out, haha
We were toying with the idea of getting another used sailboat in these parts – we bought, mostly enjoyed, and sold the last one in Baja Mexico – but the thought of more boatyard boatwork misery… bleargh, dark side of Living the Dream. Not that it’s going to get easier with age!
Decades ago when we were long-distance dating, Hub’s job used to take him to the US Capitol. Fond memories of the Blue Duck Tavern on an expense account.
You’re most welcome, and thanks much for engaging!