My Near Spiral Into The Deadbeat Club
Pam lit a cigarette and put the pool cue down. “Do you want another beer?”, she asked.
“That’s a stupid question, I’ll buy, you fly”. I broke the neatly racked balls with a loud snap to start another game of 8-ball. It was a gorgeous bluebird Sunday morning, and for Pam and I it was beer number 4 or 5, who knows. Whatever the count, it was game on.
I was in my last semester of college and lived with Pam and a few other girls in a house in Fells Point, Baltimore. Struggling to find peace between the pulls of responsibility and escapism, I was a bit lost.
The escapist in me sought constant relief through alcohol and partying, and was popular with his friends who gladly egged him on. On that beautiful Sunday morning the escapist took the reigns and set a course for nowhere-land.
I was headed to the deadbeat club.
The Deadbeat Club
Going down to Allen’s for
A twenty-five cent beer
And the jukebox playing real loud
“Ninety-six tears”
From “Deadbeat Club” by the B-52’s
Despite being a functional alcoholic, I didn’t really day-drink that much. But this particular Sunday morning the stars aligned and Pam and I found ourselves in a classic Fells Point pub right down the street from our house called the Wharf Rat. (it’s still there)
Historic Fells Point & The Legendary Admiral’s Cup… it’s long gone
Pam was my roommate and friend, nothing more. She was a hippy girl and not really my type for a romantic relationship. A heavy cigarette and pot smoker, she proudly bathed herself in patchouli and touted the hippy lifestyle. She waitressed at a T.G.I. Friday’s and sometimes showed up. Pam gave no fucks, and damn was she fun to hang out with.
At some point that day the song came on – Deadbeat Club by the B-52’s. We danced around the pool table, beers and cues in hand, high on alcohol and higher on life.
The song was only a few years old at that time and every time I heard it I fantasized about quitting everything and running away. Watch the video, it’s a perfect depiction of a carefree life of partying, fun, and no responsibility.
Deadbeat Club starts out with Cindy Wilson yelping “Huh, get a job, what for?“. Yet I was working 40 hours a week between two jobs and holding down a full credit load at school, as well as a full party load.
The Deadbeat Club, for wild girls and boys who just don’t care. Even though my reality had a lot of care in it, I desperately wanted to be that.
Despite not having even 1% of the hipness, style, looks, or dancing abilities of those in the video, I saw myself in it. I had read Kerouac and Ginsberg, and wanted that life.
The song pulled at me as only good art can. On that Sunday at the Wharf Rat, it convinced me.
Wild Girls And Boys
We’re wild girls walkin’ down the street
Wild girls and boys going out for a big time
Anyway we can
We’re gonna find something
I was supposed to work that Sunday afternoon at the hardware store, where I drove a forklift. Right after Deadbeat Club was done playing, I did something I had never done – I called in sick.
Fuck that job. You may laugh at this and say “big deal”, but for me at the time lying to my boss and calling in sick was a huge deal. Even though I was a total drunk lunatic outside of work, I worked hard and always showed up on time. That work ethic was ingrained in me.
I had properly dosed the alcohol that Sunday – plenty enough to be full-on drunk but not too much to be falling-down drunk. Pam blew off her shift at Friday’s and we rambled on, riding the crest of a wave that promised to take us nowhere, which was entirely the point.
We came to a mutual agreement that we were officially going on “permanent party”. We had every intention of it never ending.
I wrote a blog post in 2018 where I intentionally started to show more vulnerability and discussed what I called “the line“. It’s one of my most popular posts and one that I’m really proud of. That Sunday at the Wharf Rat, I came close to crossing the line again, to just quitting it all.
Oh No, Here They Come
Our adventure became more than an afternoon escape. I still remember walking around Fells Point in the glorious sunlight after leaving the Wharf Rat with a perfect high, happier than I’d ever felt. And then I went looking for ways to dose it higher.
This was the life I wanted – being happy, hanging out, having fun, being wasted. No more work, responsibility, college, or cares. In one fell swoop all that catholic school shit I grew up with, all that discipline, just melted away. Being a deadbeat felt facile yet liberating.
At some point Pam and I added some other friends to the adventure and the roving party when on through the rest of the day, and into the night.
And then into the next day.
My memory is blurry about the rest. I know I skipped classes and possibly work for a day or two, we were riding a multi-day bender. Our house became a sort of headquarters for the party, a place to reassemble and maybe doze off for an hour or two.
But then it was right back at it, somebody get me a beer.
Back To Normaltown
Somehow I went back. Back to classes and my jobs, to normal. Whoever or whatever intervened to convince me to hit the brakes on the crazy train I’ll never know. Perhaps it was my decision alone, I really don’t recall.
I do know that it was my closest flirtation with being a deadbeat, and just checking out of everything. It’s not like I wasn’t surrounded by people living that way, there were a few on every corner in Baltimore, a whole community of them. I would have picked up a lot of friends very quickly.
I recently told the story to my friend on a backpacking trip and he laughed and said something like “Aw please, you would have never done it”. Viewed through the lens of the successful career I’ve had and where I am today having achieved financial independence, I can see why he thinks that. But he didn’t know me then, I was way way closer to the edge than he could possibly know.
All I can do now is reminisce about the whole thing and reflect. When I do I feel both melancholic and content. A small part of me still wonders where or who I’d be had I taken the deadbeat route, but I’m at peace and proud that I’ll never know.
Great read. Wasn’t sure where it was going at first but damn I enjoyed the ride 🤣
I like to tell stories, I’m not a normal FI blogger 🙂 Thanks for reading and the kudos!
Thanks for sharing Dave! Sounds like you found the line, tested out the waters on the other side and decided it wasn’t for you.
In the end it wasn’t for me but damn if I didn’t do a butt-load of testing. Waaaaay too much testing. Thanks for stopping by Dan!
when my roommates were unemployed deadbeats in 1991 we had copied a poster and plastered it all over one wall of our apartment. it said “no school, no job, no problem!” we were between schools and the economy sucked so even the willing had a hard time finding work. it was a fun time to just mostly drop out for a while. everyone ended up doing fine in life.
sounds like you were pretty close to something similar. it’s very liberating but eventually we end up back in adulthood, eh? sounds like a fun time you had on your bender.
This story of mine was 1992 I believe and yes, the economy sucked, you probably have many similar stories. The attraction of multi-day benders to escape it all was huge. So sometimes I did…. But adulthood is great and I’m glad I eventually got there
I cannot imagine ever being in a mental state like that. I was a compulsive rule follower, never had even a single beer in my party school university life until I turned 21. Of course chemical engineers were not invited to a lot of parties in spite of our incredibly awesome personalities. And the idea of just dropping out on a conventional life, that led to a life of abject poverty in my mind. And who wants to be destitute? I wanted money and the choices money provides. I find it fascinating to read posts like this, because we all tend to think everyone sees life the same way, and it very much confronts me with the idea that probably, I’m the weird one. And not necessarily in a good way, either.
“I cannot imagine ever being in a mental state like that.”
I get it Steve, many folks can’t. You read my blog and know I had a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, and that’s what childhood trauma does. In a nutshell it really effs you up. And dont underestimate the environs I grew up in, when I describe inner city Baltimore I’m not making the things I write about up. I was surrounded by drugs, gangs, guns, alcohol, homelessness, deadbeats, poverty, and on and on. It creates a grim picture of no hope. It’s a very deterministic thing if you don’t fight it. For me alcohol and partying was a respite from that, an escape. That’s why so many people love getting high
I appreciate you sharing that world. I do think people, like you, that overcame hard times, hard problems are better people. And there are a lot of people in this community that had to deal with hard stuff. Its obvious from the comments your posts get. Its one reason I steer away from giving much advice, because I don’t have the life experience to back it up outside some very limited areas. But you do.
I believe that by adulthood most folks have experienced enough that they can dispense advice in some aspect of life. You climbed to the top of a big corporation, and I’m sure you have tons more advice about how to do that successfully that you haven’t written about. We all learn from each other, it’s the good part of the internet 🙂
Ah, the B-52’s, one of the true greats. And yes, music can influence the mind. Glad you escaped “The Pull” and lived a productive life. To me, the freedom of FI is the reality that you can, finally, decide to be a deadbeat if you so desire. The funny thing is, almost no one who achieves FI becomes a deadbeat. Freedom, truly achieved, unlike the mirage of Freedom visualized in the crazy days of our youth.
Achieve FI and THEN become a deadbeat – that’s the way to do it! I never even thought of that simple reversal but I like it. Thanks for stopping by Fritz!
Awesome tale. There is plenty to envy in the deadbeats, and I think anyone pursuing FI has a little bit of the counter culture mentality to them. Most like-minded folk are working hard toward their goals but have a situational awareness of the hedonic treadmill all around them, and the ability to laugh in the face of it all–within reason. I think walking down that line and daring yourself to cross it is part of the journey, especially in formative years. Really enjoyable read.
I did a previous post about our counter-culture tendencies, and I agree. Thanks for the kudos!
Great post Dave!
As Johnny Cash said, “I walked the line” Your story reminds me of myself in my early twenties. I’m not sure exactly what pulled me out of the abyss, but I am glad that I did not continue on that path, and I’m thankful that I lived through it. When I see some one struggling I remind myself, there but for the grace of God go I.
Ah yes, Mr. Cash said it more brilliantly than I did. And glad you pulled yourself out too – nice job!
That sounds like quite the bender! A multi-day bender!
I spent a bit too much time goofing off when I was younger too. Too much money wasted on alcohol, and people who weren’t really my friends.
I know all that … now, but it was a difficult lesson to learn when I was young. Lots of mistakes were made. I think (hope) I’ve made a few improvements in myself since those days. Most importantly, I’ve been completely sober (absolutely no alcohol) for over 8 years now.
Wow thats awesome Tako – 8 years! I haven’t quit alcohol completely but I keep drinking less and less over time. I’ve been over a year and a half without a beer, and I have a half glass of wine with dinner maybe 4 or 5 nights a week but purposely skip some. I do love the taste of red wine with food and the research shows some benefits to resveratrol in the wine, but I keep it to a very small amount. I might give it up one day for good, we’ll see.
I feel a bit like a dead beat right now. 🙂
But at least I’m taking care of my family and work just a bit.
I earned it, though. I worked just enough to retire early and enjoy a relaxing lifestyle.
You’re faaar from a deadbeat Joe, you’re a successful entrepreneur. And you’re extra successful because you balance your blog work with family and relaxation. You’re winning!
It is interesting how simple decisions can change the course of everything for the future but we never see it at the the time. Thanks for sharing that fork in the road moment.
Yep, I came to a fork and I picked it up, haha. Then I stabbed the bad choice 🙂
It’s that call of the void. There’s an edge out there for all of us, perhaps a little different—or at least, it comes about in different places, different ways. And while yours would have almost certainly lead you down a path of destruction, except for a few fleeting moments of beauty between breaths of despair, I think for some it’s the edge that keeps you in. Inside that repetition of self-abuse or flagellation, not recognizing what life could really be. After all, there’s two sides of that line.
It’s hard to know which side you’re on, sometimes.
Great story, Dave.
Man you’re a good writer, even in your comments 🙂 “The call of the void”… very well said! And it is indeed sometimes hard to know what side you’re on, although I’m pretty solid with that knowledge nowadays. Thanks dude!