Early Retirement And The Wannabe Optimist

My father died from cancer when I was only 18.  Soon after that my grandma from my mothers side developed Alzheimer’s disease and rapidly decayed both mentally and physically.  After 4 years of a miserable low income nursing home in Baltimore she succumbed.  By then my Mom was beyond depression, she simply lost hope.

My mom has probably suffered from depression most of her life.  Born in 1929 months before the great depression started, she grew up with little and a father who deserted her.  But concerns about mental health wasn’t a thing for folks of her generation. 

Sure they had just as many or more problems than we do now, it was just not something discussed.  It was life.  You carried on, you took it with you.

But eventually that life-baggage becomes too much to handle. 

After my grandma’s death my mother’s worldview and demeanor became excessively gloomy.  Everything was bad and worth complaining about.  She focused on the negative, and always expected the worse.  There was simply no joy in her life, or the world.

As much as I don’t agree with or like this world view, it was impossible for this behavior to not rub off on me.  To put it bluntly, I’ve never been an optimist.

 

Depression

Everything was going so good
That I thought something bad might happen
And then it did
– From “Coffee Stain” by Sarah Harmer

I do not have depression, at least from a clinical diagnosis standpoint.  Yes I’ve been to therapy before and my therapist was clear that I was not clinically depressed.  But depression is also not a binary, on/off thing.  It’s a spectrum and an inexact science. 

Was I ever “officially depressed” at any time in my life?  Probably, for sure. 

But someone who is clinically depressed and who has been for years such as my mother lives in a wholly different world.  Listen to the description of what it’s like to be clinically depressed in this short clip from the chief of Psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine Dr. John Krystal from a recent Tim Ferriss podcast.

 

Making judgements and balancing risk/reward or risk/opportunity are 110% what early retirement is all about.  And Dr. Krystal says depressed people make decisions “colored by the negative”. 

When I contemplate leaving my career and early retirement I know that my thought patterns are somewhat colored by negativity because of my mother and how I was raised.  

Do I really have enough money to last me the rest of my life?  What if it all goes to shit and our economy melts down?  Could I ever get another decent paying job if I leave this career that I’ve put so much energy into?  

When I analyze these questions I tend towards catastrophizing, and fatalism. 

I remember as a kid when things would go wrong my mother saying time and time again things like “our family is just unlucky, we can’t get a break”.  Hearing a mantra like that as an impressionable child has an effect on the psyche.  And it’s hard to turn that ship.

 

Optimism

I’m on a long journey in life to think like an optimist.  It’s hard work for me, but work that I’m dedicated to and that I increasingly enjoy. 

A recent experience hammered home to me the joys of optimism.  I had a big bike race in September that I had done twice before, in 2013 and 2014.  I had a decent race in 2014 and was generally happy with the result. 

Now 8 years older I had a hunch that I was more fit for this race in 2022 than I was in 2014.  But the race itself was now much larger and with a broader field of riders from across the country.  

When I first signed up the pessimist in me started to curb expectations and thought “well I’ll do the best I can but this is a big race now, I can’t expect much”. 

And because deep down I knew I was more fit than my younger self, that created anxiety.  I feared having a worse result than I did in 2014 would just rehash and validate my old feelings of being a nobody. 

I was obese up until my 30’s and wasn’t on sports teams, wasn’t good at much athletically, and felt left out.  It impacted my psyche and confidence.  As the race date approached my anxiety built to a point that forced me to take stock of my thought patterns. 

I decided to try something different and to think positive, no matter if I believed it deep down or not.  I tried being an optimist. 

This meant sometimes saying out loud to myself “You’re a better rider now, you’re going to kick ass”.  Or, “it’s 2022 and you’re way more disciplined with your diet and sleep than you were 8 years ago, it will show at this race!”

Sometimes I felt silly saying that stuff out loud, but doing it felt way better than the anxiety from the negative thoughts.

 

Results

Race day came and the optimist approach had me feeling better than I can ever recall feeling at a start line, which is usually a place of butterflies and anxiety.

I’ll cut to the chase.  I came in third. 

For the first time in my life I got to stand on an official race podium at the awards ceremony with photographers taking my picture.  It was a result above and beyond even what my late-try at optimism could have predicted. 

It would be an understatement to say the whole experience has forced me to reckon with my default thought patterns and how I see things in life. 

It’s especially forced me to reevaluate my often anxiety-inducing thoughts and emotions concerning early retirement.

 

Do The Work, Then Think Positive

I prepared for that race in September, not just in the weeks leading up to it, but in the years leading up to it.  I developed better habits, a better diet, got better sleep, and used better training methods.  Because of that preparation the results showed. 

Likewise, I’ve prepared for early retirement for a few decades.  I’ve lived below my means, saved robotically, invested wisely, and avoided destructive materialism, debt, and lifestyle inflation. 

Because of those behaviors and habits, the results again have showed.  I’m well past financial independence and my work ethic has turned a small side hustle into a nice little business that covers a large portion of my living expenses. 

Just as my fitness and training should have had me in an optimistic state of mind about my race in September as soon as I signed up, my preparation for early retirement should have me thinking nothing but positive about pulling that lever. 

But it’s not that simple. 

A single bike race isn’t very consequential in life.  Leaving a career that I might not be able to go back to could well be. 

My goal is to apply the lessons from my recent race to bigger things in life.  To be more of an optimist when making decisions that I’ve planned for and that have bigger consequences.   

 

Wannabe Optimist

Deep down, I’m still a wannabe optimist.  My recent race and the process of trying positivity was great progress.  As mentioned however, thought patterns drilled into someone from childhood are hard to change. 

But I’m determined to change them.  I know the science – “research tells us that people who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people.” 

Mathematically I’m pretty darn sure I’ll never run out of money if I quit my part time job tomorrow.  But the math can’t squash my anxiety and pessimistic thoughts about a decision like that.  I’m hoping optimism can. 

And I’m trying to fully get there.