2018 Money Advice From Turnip FIRE!

Hiya Turnip FIRE! readers, the new year is almost upon us.  You’re a silly bunch, but you need to stop being silly with your money.  Follow these tips for an un-silly 2018..

Instead of: Taking out a loan for that $48,000 BMW SUV
Try: Wacking both of your knees with a hammer before you go to work today!

This will give you a taste of what it’ll be like walking around your office when you’re 72 years old and your knees are shot, because you’ll still have to work. Why wait to experience that glorious arthritic pain when you can test drive it now!

Instead of: Going out to eat 5 nights a week
Try: Penning a note to your future kids as to why they’ll have to pay for college on their own!

Breaking this news to your future kids will be difficult, so why not knock it out now? Staying home for dinner just a few nights this week will give you the time to pen a nice “Sorry dude, still love ya” note from Mom and Dad. College is expensive, but so is going out to dinner!!

Instead of: Upgrading to that 4500sq. ft. house you don’t need
Try: Filling out official bankruptcy papers!

The process of filing for bankruptcy has the reputation of being egregious and time-consuming, but who knows, it might not be that bad at all! Hell, you can probably use form-filler for the paperwork and do them right on your $2500 MacBook! Learning the ins and outs of the official bankruptcy process will give you valuable skills that most others don’t have. Distinguish yourself and standout from the crowd!

Instead of: Upgrading your TV every year
Try: Learning the fine art of being a WalMart Greeter!

You can never have too many job skills, and you don’t need GlassDoor to tell you that mastering the finer points of greeting customers at WalMart will make you a hot commodity! Want headhunters knockin’ down your door when you’re 74 because you still need to work? Then improve your resume now. Learn to greet!

Instead of: Buying that vacation home
Try: Learning guitar so you can busk!

There’s no shortage of sad white boys with acoustic guitars on street corners asking for money, but if you start practicing now you’ll no doubt have a WAY better version of Margaritaville than they do. It’ll bring in mad coin, and as a bonus you’ll have the “awww, that’s cute, look at that old man playing guitar” angle that you can play. Chicks dig that!!