Your Money Horoscopes
Aries
While waiting in line at CVS with your girlfriend, you second-guess the 30 cents saved on those Kirkland condoms at Costco.
Taurus
New possibilities for frugality are explored as you anxiously await the next one-day sale on divorce paperwork at Legal Zoom.
Gemini
Your next Tinder date will be named Ira and will only contribute 5% to the dinner bill.
Cancer
“Your Money Or Your Life” will take on a whole new meaning as you’ll find yourself staring down the barrel of a gun on a dark street corner in Baltimore.
Leo
You’re so sick of listicles you write a blog post tilted “6 Reasons Why I Hate Listicles”, only to realize life is over.
Virgo
After explaining in gory detail the IRA 72t withdrawal rule over dinner with the family, you’ll realize how bad it’s gotten when your 92 year old grandmother calls you a “dickless dork” and tells you to get a life.
Libra
You’ll flex your frugality muscles when you ask the kidnapper for half off.
Scorpio
After seeing his pathetic science project, you realize this is the month to start your child’s unemployment fund.
Sagittarious
You’ll feel like King Shit of Badass Bodega with a free United Airlines Club Lounge Pass, only to realize you’re the furthest thing from King Shit to exist in this universe or any other that may be out there, past or present.
Capricorn
You discover that sixteen magic digits on your credit card makes things appear on your doorstep in two days, and the world is the best effing place ever!
Pisces
The endorphin rush received from taking hotel shampoos and conditioners forces you to reflect on life, depression.
Aquarius
A bunch of soulless douchbags in suits are in a conference room at this very moment trying to change the way you feel about a $45,000 SUV, and winning.
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Noooooo! I don’t want a $45k SUV. Entertaining post though
But you might get one [jedimindtrick]
As a Libra, I’m offended by this. I would at least start the negotiations at 75% off, and with an installment plan.
Maybe layover?
You’ll have to pry this adorably tiny hotel shampoo bottle out of my cold dead hands!
Don’t forget the free tea packets
good to see “douchebag”, “dickless dork”, and my mom’s favorite “king shit” in the same listicle. comedy is hard but you make this shit look easy, like pimpin’. be on the lookout for my next article “7 ways to save money on burritos.”
you are wrong sir, there are at least 8 ways to save on burritos – king shit of burritoville
Solid gold, dude! Thanks for the morning chuckles!
🙂
I’ll tell the kidnapper I thought we were on a date. 🙂
But the kidnappers name is Ira Roth, he’s JD’s cousin 🙂
I think dickless dorks should always get 30% discount on their condoms.
As a Leo, I must say that I could write a long list of the reasons I love the Turnip. Keep it coming man!
Maybe a Groupon for the dickless dorks would work..
I’ll be sure to donate all the shampoo and conditioner to the thrift store 😉
No you won’t, you’ll unashamedly use it 🙂
Good stuff. You discover that sixteen magic digits on your credit card makes things appear on your doorstep in two days.
This would be magic just 20 years ago. Pretty amazing how life changed.
If it isn’t magic then I wanna know what magic is
I’m a Leo and I wrote a list of 6 reasons I love the Turnip, but my comment got deleted “accidently”. There is no Accident here.
I will say again, that dickless dorks should definitely get a 30% discount on their condoms.
WordPress thinks you’re spam today. WordPress has no class!
I’m a Capricorn. I love credit cards. Keep the rewards points coming!
Let’s rip those card companies off!
NOOOO I won’t be able to even park that $45k SUV let alone afford it!
You must resist, stay strong
Second guessing a United card now 🤔
Stale pretzels in the club lounge….
LOL! Those Snack Towers of Sadness in the lounge… *sigh*
Apparently, I better avoid Baltimore!
yep, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend you avoid Baltimore…. wait – are you the fifth doctor!!?
As a Taurus, been there, done that. Do not want to entertain the possibility of a divorce ever gain 🙂