Your Money Horoscopes

Aries
The vulgar depths of the internet renew your faith in free speech after a google search for “backdoor roth”.

Taurus
You will continuously delay opening a creepy email from Chase Sapphire with the title “I know you’re just using me, I don’t want it to end like this”.

Gemini
Your inadequacy and laziness will again be confirmed after reading just one of the 20 bajillion FIRE blogs.

Cancer
House hacking will turn into regular hacking as you spend your time alone in the basement learning code to avoid interactions with your annoying tenants who pay your mortgage.

Leo
Your relationship with your colleagues will change forever when they catch you loading turkey chili into a tupperware at the office potluck.

Virgo
Tree oil facials, hot stone massages, catamaran rentals, and scuba diving lessons will fill your days as your children discuss how they plan to pay for college among themselves.

Libra
Your triathlete club will regret donating unsold “Suck It Up, Buttercup” T-shirts to hurricane victims in Florida.

Scorpio
You will feel like a strong, rugged, classic American male for exactly 17.3 minutes following your first successful DIY oil change.

Sagittarious
Confusion and depression will overcome you when you find out your tax refund was yours all along.

Capricorn
An IRS audit reveals you’ve been unknowingly divorced for 2 years and 3 months.

Pisces
Body odor and unwelcome touching will have you reconsidering the savings of Uber Pool.

Aquarius
Your best friend will inform you that “You’re the master of Ebates”, but you won’t get the joke.