Crippling Student Loan Debt Hampering Millions From Wasting Money At Whole Foods
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new report from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau shows that crippling student loan debt is hampering millions of people from experiencing the joy of wasting money at Whole Foods.
“The numbers keep getting bigger, and there’s no end in sight”, said Susan McDonald of the CFPB. “With total student loan debt approaching $1.6 trillion dollars in America we risk having an entire generation never experience the joys of wasting $79 on fair trade jade-pearl rice with organic white alba truffles. It’s a travesty.”
Faced with seemingly insurmountable debt, some borrowers have resorted to drastic measures. “I’m resigned to ordinary ramen by the case at the local Stop, Shop, & Save”, lamented Eric Halbert of Brooklyn. “It’s only $1.99 for a pack of 10, but it’s ordinary. I may never be able to buy the organic Tonkotsu ramen at Whole Foods for $7.49 a pack because of my $90,000 of student loan debt.”
“The reality of the crisis is staggering” said Linda Mozella of the Department of Education. “This will likely be the first generation to have fewer Veganic Sprouted Ancient Maize Flakes than their parents did.”
Fun take the current student loan crisis! I often wonder how all those complaining of their crippling student loan debt still manage to blow so much money throwing axes, seemingly endless happy hours, or $6 protein drinks after working out at my luxury gym. The debt crisis is out of control, though.
$6 protein drink? C’mon, that’s minor leagues! A respectable Whole Foods customer pays at least $8 or $9!
Next Thing You Know even avocado toast and $7 kombuchas will be out of reach. Oh the humanity!!!!!!
I think we’re now in a post-avocado toast economy, we’ll see….
And looking at the yield curve on kombuchas, call me crazy but I think there’s room to go to $10 or $11 a serving. It depends on how expensive the yoga mat of the customer is.
it had to be brooklyn, didn’t it? park slope i suspect. the hipster craft cocktail and beard bar around the corner closed and maybe for the same reason. hilarious stuff here, dave. it writes itself!
Sorry Freddy, stupid WP put you in spam even though you’re a regular commenter. WTF
And yes, some of this stuff does indeed write itself.
“Veganic” lol Aldi is a millennial’s best friend.
Delicious!!
Lol, reading this was a great way to start my morning. Ha!
Glad you liked it Bob!
Not to worry, suffering students on Food Stamps just got a COLA to $192/month. And, if you move to rural Alaska, you can get $360/month!
That’ll buy a LOT of avocado toast!
Guess I’m going to Alaska then…. 🙂