Judging My Former Self
I’m going to tell you a story that I’m not too proud of.
A couple of years ago, probably around the time I started this blog, I was on a long bike ride. One of my speedy fitness rides where I’m going 40 to 50 miles at a really hard pace. I tend to think more on those because the sheer physicality of the ride feeds the brain.
While stopped at a long red light I noticed a school bus driver in a parking lot at the intersection. He was standing just outside the empty bus, smoking a cigarette. He had full sleeve tattoos on both arms, tats all over his legs, and on his neck. To say he looked really sad, depressed, and angry would be an understatement.
I thought “well if you didn’t waste thousands of dollars that you obviously don’t have on stupid tattoos you’d be in better financial shape. If you weren’t draining what little money you have by wasting it on toxic cigarettes that are also killing your body you’d be in better financial shape, and healthier. You’d probably even be able to get a better paying job and not have to drive a school bus for a living. Dude, you are your own worst enemy”.
I had just semi-retired from my W2 job in my mid forties and was thinking about financial independence and money a lot because I had just started the blog. I was also stressed and full of anxiety because of the big changes in my life. Heck, I didn’t just nonchalantly give up my senior management job and go part time after 23 years. The decision was a big one, with months of contemplation.
So I judged him. And when the light turned green I rode away.
But as I pedaled I started thinking about what I had just done. Why did I just do that? Is he much different from what I was back in the day? And it struck me that at 23, that could have been me.
True, I didn’t then and don’t now have any tattoos, and I’ve never smoked a single cigarette in my life. But I was a functional alcoholic. Instead of cigarettes I was hooked on drowning my troubles and childhood trauma in alcohol.
And oh yeah, I didn’t have a great paying job either. My first job out of college paid me $20,000 a year, the equivalent of $36,000 now. According to Salary.com that’s actually a little less than what a school bus driver in Washington D.C. makes in 2020.
So here I was in 2017 criticizing and judging someone who was young, had a lower-paying job, and is throwing money away on an addictive drug. But my story was pretty much the same.
The Behavior
The reasons behind judging others are pretty well known in the world of psychology. As this article puts it:
When we judge people harshly, we use others as a basis for comparison. We tell ourselves that our choices are pretty good given what other people are up to. We don’t use our own goals and intentions as our yardstick or benchmark. Instead, we let others determine how well we’re doing. We develop a false sense of superiority when we find fault with others. As long as others are not perfect (and no one is), then we can feel more easily justified in our own behaviors.
Bingo. She hit that one out of the park. At that moment I indeed had a false sense of superiority.
What I Couldn’t See
I wrote a post last year about how all of us are like icebergs. Yet I was oblivious to the fact that I couldn’t see 90% of that guy’s story, the part that is hidden. Just as people don’t know what I’ve been through, who knows what that guy has been through.
Raised where I was, in inner-city Baltimore, I should have known better than to judge him. I saw firsthand how lives can be destroyed at a young age by circumstances and environment.
But here I am, thirty-something years down the road from those days, and on the winning side of things.
Yes, I did indeed bootstrap it. But I can’t let my success and pride blind me to the fact that everyone can’t. Or that some are in the middle of trying hard everyday, living the fight.
My success after all was not guaranteed, and teetered on key moments in my life. To be honest one police encounter or trigger pull could have likely changed everything for me.
I’m not proud of judging that guy that day. But I fessed up to it, and I’m trying to improve. Could that guy have been close to quitting smoking and getting a better job? Absolutely.
I made the journey, and he could be on it too.
Room To Improve
What prompted me to write this was watching Peter Attia’s TED Talk. He negatively judged an obese patient who needed a foot amputation from diabetes. Watching him get on stage and admit that publicly was pretty intense. I’m smart enough to know that owning up to bad sides of my personality and to things I regret can help me be a better person going forward.
It’s human nature to judge. And when coming from a position of success the tendency is to judge others negatively. I see a lot of this on personal finance social media platforms and forums.
Those of us who are winning or who have won the game should realize just because we did it or that it might have been relatively easy for us doesn’t mean it is for others.
So it’s natural to judge others and it’s also very unlikely you can stop doing it. But here’s what this incident and the research I did to write this post about it have taught me.
When I judge people in the future, I need to pause and consider why I’m doing it. There will be a reason for sure.
And when I get to that reason I need to consider what the whole episode says about me at that moment. I just might learn something about myself.
Judging people is a pretty much a drain on your mind. I used to do it a lot and frankly, it made me feel bad every time. Regardless if I see the whole “iceberg” or not. Now I immediately stop if I sense my mind going there.
As you mentioned, circumstances matter. Your environment matters. I probably don’t even know 99% of story behind someone so why bother judging.
“drain on the mind”… I like that. Great way to describe it
Wow. This is a powerful essay. Thank you for your courage and sharing it. You’ve held a mirror up for me and I need to look in it. It’s easy to say, “I’m glad I don’t do that.” But I do. And it’s not my best self.
It reminds me of the opening lines of The Great Gatsby. We never know what advantages or disadvantages others have had.
Thanks for helping me be a better version of myself today.
Thanks so much for the compliment and for reading!
It is true a lot of us make spot judgements of others based on a brief physical encounter.
It is also sad that some appearances get judged more harshly than others. Obesity definitely falls into that category. It is quiet easy to make fun of someone overweight or think they have lost control based on perception.
Great post
So true about obesity, mainly because it’s such a visible condition. As a former obese person I can attest. I was vary fat in grade school and was almost always last to be picked to be on whatever team in gym class, back when things were done that way. It had an effect on me for sure
Interesting post. I think the iceberg analogy can also extend to our thoughts. Our conscious thoughts are like the part above the water and our subconscious is like the but below the water.
I tend to judge other drivers a lot (trying to keep the road rage away!).
I think all we can do is be aware that this is part of the human condition and try to catch and question this behaviour when we behave in it (as you have done in this post).
HH
Great point about conscious and subconscious thoughts. I’m much more cognizant now of catching myself when I do it
forming opinions is natural, especially when you feel like you could help the person if they would just make the changes you made in their situation.
I would have loved to chat with that dude about financial independence
You can be a school bus driver and financially independent. I’ve managed to earn more than the median full-time income for my rural LCOL area by choosing well paying part-time and seasonal employment options, yet still average well below 40 hours per week. I suffered through about a decade in the full-time employment arena. It sucked big time. Over the past few years, I’ve given up most of the miscellaneous jobs and chosen to keep driving the school bus. It brings in more than enough income to cover my living expenses so my investments can continue to grow. What’s not to love? – no evenings or weekends, plenty of time off for holidays and summer vacations, good group of kids, 16-18 hours a week, and a snow day means turn off the alarm and pull the covers over my head. Now, if I could only convince the CPA I work for during tax season to accept that I’m really not interested in doing tax returns anymore.
Wow, very cool Beth! Sounds like you should be writing a personal finance blog yourself as you’ve managed to do really well while not working 40 hrs a week. In no way was I trying to criticize the job of a school bus driver, I hope you know that. That’s actually the whole point of my post, that my judgy behavior was unwarranted and frankly hypocritical. Kudos to you!
No offense taken at all. I guess my post didn’t really respond to the intent of your message. I could relate to the bus driver part of the story and felt like sharing. I like reading personal finance blogs, but I consider writing more torture than pleasure. Thanks to those who do like to write so I can learn from their experiences. Keep up the good work!
Thank you!
Great post. I truly believe we get to make one or two great decisions in life, and it compounds itself. Choose right and maybe you get an easy go of it. Choose wrong and you get stuck in the high school version of yourself.
How many folks made the wrong decision and still were able to correct the situation later in life? I think it gets much harder the longer you wait.
Compounding good decisions, so so true. And also agree it can get harder to change the longer you wait as you get set in your ways
ha. i think we are guilty of judging the yuppie scum more harshly in le smidlap chateau. we just got some newish neighbors a couple of years ago with 2 loud little kids and a loud dad with a tesla in the driveway and new solar coming on the roof. the only way to combat that is with ear splitting punk rock at top volume. meanwhile the down and out are always welcome.
funny story. i was about 24-25 and between colleges and driving a $300 car. i got pulled over by a state cop who asked if he could search the car. i knew why he asked: i looked like a degenerate loser with hair down to the middle of my back and no prospects…a little like you bus driver. that cop didn’t know i was kinda bright or had “potential” that would take 15-20 years to fulfill. even though i didn’t need to i let him look for guns in my cruddy car. all he found were cheeseburger wrappers and empty beer bottles.
ha, i got pulled over and had my vehicle searched so many times, it wasn’t a rare thing. They were usually looking for dope or guns, which I had neither of. And thankfully there wasn’t an open container alcohol law in MD back in those days
Your neighbors might enjoy some Dead Kennedys and Circle Jerks!
Most of us who have accumulated millions recognize the huge amount of pure luck that brought financial success our way. Life does turn on a handful of past events where making the right or wrong choice made all the difference in our futures. And for everyone of us who made some right choices there are many others who made a single wrong choice that led them to a life of poverty and despair. And many others never had the chance to choose at all. They were given impossibly poor cards to play. How many of today’s millionaires were born in impoverished third world countries. Life is not a fair game, and judging people’s value by their circumstances is perhaps the unfairest thing we do. And we all do it. It is good to be confronted by that, thanks.
Great comment Steve. I’ve been fortunate to have some great luck, but also made some great (and crucial) choices at the right time. Think of how many people across America who are in jail because of marijuana – something that is increasingly being legalized and that general public sentiment has changed about. Life is not fair indeed, never will be.
It’s impossible not to compare oneself to others. Both those below and above in life. And their are always both unless your name is Bezos.
But in the back of my head I always remind myself about the bad decisions I myself made and how many times I was lucky it didn’t bite me. The reality is no one has a perfectly efficient life. Many also have extremely unlucky things happen during their life that cannot be worked around. There is no way to understand another persons life and thus judging isn’t based in logic. Nor does it help anyone.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t room for the other individual to improve, but it’s the difference between judgement and coaching/mentoring.
Oh man, the number of times I made bad decisions that could have made my life waaaaaay different than it is now – countless. I just didn’t get caught. And some of those happened while climbing big mountains, and I was lucky to not die. Thanks for the comment!
Thanks for the reminder, Dave. Not smart to throw stones in our glass walled houses, and yet we all do it. It’s time to put those stones in the garden where they belong…
Indeed. At that moment I was the pot talking to the kettle, and we all know the rest of the phrase
In my opinion, a judgemental thought is a sign of insecurity. Insecurity is a milder form of fear. My hunch is that the bus driver caught your attention because you recognized him at some level. I judge others most harshly when the situation feels familiar. The fear beneath the idea that the situation could be (or could have been) mine prompts me to catalog all the ways I am different. Next time I notice myself passing judgement, I’ll ask myself what I’m afraid of. It’ll be an interesting experiment! Thanks for showing us how to practice humility.
I agree about insecurity. My insecurity at that time probably was related to my pulling the trigger on semi-retirement and giving up my big-wig position at work. It was a hard decision to make. Thanks for the great comment!
Great post. I had at least a few events in my life that, had they gone differently, would have likely completely changed how I turned out so far. So many different ways to get crushed in life so right, we need to try to build people up and not judge whenever we can.
Same here Pete, too many of those events to count. I thank my lucky stars all the time that it went my way
Powerful post! A great reminder to all of us that judging someone else’s journey is foolish. We share our financial journey in hopes it will help others, but it’s likely their journey will look very different from ours, and that’s ok.
Thank you for the honest post and reminding us all to keep improving.
Yep, personal finance is personal and unique to everyone. Certain basic principals are necessary to be successful, but everyone’s journey is their own and can be wildly different. Thanks for the comment!
What a wonderful story of mindfulness and looking at ourselves and how we look at the world around us. Thank-you for sharing this today.
Thanks for reading as always Chris and for the kind words. I’m hoping that by writing about it and being more vulnerable it will keep me more accountable in the future. That’s the plan at least
I love it! Dave, realize you’re the example now for guys and gals like the bus driver.
When you struggled, you found someone to serve as a positive comparison. You learned from them, even if they didn’t know, directly, that you were following their path that they laid out behind themselves.
You witnessed their struggles which humanized them, instead of lamenting your inability to achieve what they had, you saw their weaknesses as humanity. It removed your self-doubt and let you work to improve without solely seeing the varnished version of greatness that would appear in marketing or social media.
We’re on a very different journey with FIRE than those around us, and sometimes the path is dark and confusing.
But now, you get to be that example for those around you. There’s people watching.
Beyond being the example for those trying to achieve financial independence, revealing the struggles on your journey to get there, you also act as an ambassador for those of us already there. An example of how to be the mentor, teacher, and guide for our own friends and family (and readers!).
Being a healthy, positive comparison is a powerful way to help others. Great post, Dave!
I’d like to think I’m a good example to follow, but at the same time that thought scares me… I guess when it comes to money, mountaineering, and riding a bike real fast, I think I’m a decent person to emulate 😉 The FI community is full of people to look up to – of all different types. That’s what’s great about it. Thanks for the kudos dude!
Such a powerful reminder, and I’m guilty of this more than I’d like to admit. I guess I tend to think that since I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and overcame tremendous obstacles, anyone else can too. And like you point out, that isn’t always the case.
Curious what you think about “judging” people who, rather than being obviously down-and-out, are projecting a fake image of success? You know, the classic FI judging of monstrous cars, houses, and other status symbols? On the one hand, I feel some empathy with those folks too because they are probably deeply insecure, stressed, in debt, and don’t know any better. I used to be one of them, after all. But on the other hand, it seems like a useful mindset for keeping myself from slipping into valuing those things (and teaching our kids not to value those things). Or maybe there’s an important distinction between judging the conduct (whether it be spending, smoking, etc) without judging the person?
Hmm, the fake image of success behavior could be lots of things, but I think it’s most likely insecurity as you mentioned. Maybe there’s a “fake it till you make it” aspect to it – for instance the poorer person who dresses fancy in an attempt to make the leap to that next level of what they think is wealth (which they will only learn that dressing nicer and spending more money on clothes is not necessarily needed to obtain wealth). In the end as I mentioned in the article, we’re all guilty of judging because it’s basic human behavior, the key to me is to keep it in check and more importantly to learn from it.
Very power reminder Dave. It’s hard not to judge people but we can all do better. 🙂
Doing better is a constant goal in life
Thanks for sharing this story Dave! It’s a great reminder NOT to judge others, especially when we know only a tiny piece of the story. It’s far to easy to imagine ourselves superior whilst overlooking our own flaws.
Great reminder to stay humble!
Stay humble indeed!
Greatness article, Dave. Sadly, to judge is to be human. Certainly one of our darker characteristics. That said, holding up the mirror and asking “Why?” is an effective way to better illuminate and examine our own motivations and insecurities as you suggest.
Like Freddy, I have harshly judged the yuppies and “real housewives of OC” types as well as those whose values are far different than mine. It takes a good deal of effort to put on the scuba gear and get familiar with that submerged 90%, but it usually is worth it. If nothing else it likely reveals information that would change your judgement.
Awesome comment Fates, I should have titled this post “Puttin On The Scuba Gear And Checkin Out What I Can’t See”. Thanks!
Man, there are so many good comments to a great post, but since I really appreciate the honesty in the post I don’t want to just say nothing…
As many said, I’m also guilty of judging others. I’d like to believe that it’s less of an automatic reaction than it used to be, but I sometimes wonder. There are a few things that automatically set off the dive into the hole where my lesser angel resides, and each time it happens I feel crummy about it. I guess I should somehow be thankful for it, since it means, at least to me, that I haven’t even gotten close to the finishing line of the process to becoming fully self-actualised. 🙂
I really liked the parts of the the post and comments that talk about looking back and taking stock of the choices made and how different life could have been for each of us. I guess it’s unavoidable, and when I do it I sometimes have the presence of mind to be aware that I’m assuming, and perhaps baselessly, that making another choice would have led to a better result. But life can been a crapshoot, and perhaps those choices would have led to a worse outcome or not changed the course of life in any significant way. The thought process usually gets tied up with needing to remind myself that, regardless of the past, my present is actually pretty damn good.
One last thought: I truly believe that, by and large, someone who doesn’t have any regrets hasn’t really lived and tested what life can offer.
Thanks, Dave and everyone, for a really great exchange of life experiences and perspectives!
Thanks for the wonderful comment decoderringmtl! Life is kind of a crapshoot in many ways innit? Choices not made, roads not traveled – who knows where they would have landed us. But in the end we’ll never know so I guess it’s kind of wasted energy thinking about it too much.
As for the comment about people with “no regrets” – I agree! When I hear someone say that I think “You mean to say you’ve never done anything mean to someone else? You must be a saint!”
And as Billy Joel once sang, “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.”
I went for a (much shorter) ride the other day and forgot my headphones, which was a bummer because riding is usually podcast time for me. I discovered that it was nice to just take in the sights and sounds of life and not consume content at every opportunity. I think freeing your mind can lead to the kind of introspective moments like the one you had in this story and something I need to do more often. I know that wasn’t the point of your post haha, but I enjoyed the read and am now judging myself for not taking time to challenge some of my own behaviors and assumptions.
I don’t ever ride with music for safety reasons but I’ll run with it sometimes when I need extra motivation. I prefer to not have any though. As you said you free your mind up to wander without music and you can stay more in touch with your breathing and pace etc.
Thanks for your transparency, Dave. We all judge others during certain points in our lives. And I appreciate your ability to recognize what you did in that moment. Most wouldn’t even realize what had occurred. The next time I judge someone else negatively and realize it, I will make it a point to also judge them positively as well.
Thanks for reading!
What a great reminder of self-awareness. No one is immune to negative, judgmental thoughts – but few take the time to acknowledge them and reframe. I sure don’t, but will try to in the future.
My easiest “judgement” reaction is driving… when other drivers on the road make mistakes, I’m quick to judge them negatively and have a less than graceful reaction. When I’m in a better state of mind, I remind myself that they could be having a bad day, could be new to the city, or just made an honest mistake. It helps, and it’s something I should do more often.
This post is a great reminder to extend that idea to other areas… especially the bad drivers 😉
Bad drivers… don’t get me started. And that’s something that can literally kill people and routinely does, so in some ways I commiserate with judging those folks more. They’re literally endangering lives and I don’t have much tolerance for that. But we all make mistakes from time to time, which is why I have to remind myself of the things you listed, and have some restraint.
Completely agree – the reckless drivers are near impossible to shake off and I will likely keep judging them… harshly. But the inconvenient mistakes at slow speeds – these are my opportunities to refrain from judgement the best I can. It’s a challenge 🙂
It’s easy to judge others. But who knows maybe the bus driver was just having a bad day.
Yep, and I try to remind myself of that now all the time