I Got What I Wanted And It’s Never Enough
It was probably her second or third day at work but the first time I saw her. I was floored. She was quite possibly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was stunning, and fortunately for me she was also a new contractor assigned to an office near mine. Her name was Sarah.
To say I was a late bloomer would be a massive understatement. I posted about my late-bloominess before. When I was approaching what seemed like the ancient age of 30 I was hell bent to make up for what I missed out on in high school and most of college. Namely romance.
I eventually learned how to exude false confidence and cockiness, enough to get girlfriends. But this woman, she was another world. Every single guy in the building wanted her, and everyone wanted to work with her. She was also friendly and wicked smart, with a master’s degree in a technical field related to mine.
I thought about her 24×7 until I realized I had to ask her out or I’d go crazy. Then word got around that she was a former model, go figure. She did clothing catalogs and stuff like that. Yeah, that sealed it.
I now know that my desire to go after beautiful women was an attempt to overcompensate for my awkward and girlfriend-less youth, and lack of confidence. If I was going to prove I wasn’t a loser, it was going to be in bombastic fashion. I was shooting for definitive proof.
Getting Sarah would be definitive proof.
So one day I mustered the gall to ask for her number, and holy shit she gave it to me.
The Chase
Desire can be powerful and blinding
Sarah’s world was one full of options. A great place to be for sure, if you’re Sarah. We went on a date or two. I’d call her and she’d call back once in a while. Then she’d go dark for a few weeks.
She was stringing me along, she could do that. I didn’t care, I was set on a goal. When I want something the type-A in me will rise to the top and push over any obstacle it can. The chase went on for months and months. I was obsessed, single minded.
Persistence is a beautifully dogged trait, especially when it pays off. It could have been my persistence and tenacity, or perhaps I just wore her down. Either way, I suddenly one day had a girlfriend.
I had the girlfriend.
The Grass On The Other Side
I got what I wanted and it’s wasn’t enough
I got what I wanted when you showed up
I got what I wanted and it’s never enough, never enough
– From “Paradise Cove“, by Pete Yorn
By the time we were a thing, Sarah’s company had moved her to a different contract. This was good, dating a coworker is fraught with peril even though we didn’t really work together.
As our relationship progressed the inevitable strains arose. Sarah liked many of the finer things in life which clashed with my frugality.
We did have a lot in common. She was super fit and a strong runner, and we ran together often. But she also sometimes liked going to the mall on a beautiful Saturday, which to me is worse than prison.
These strains started piling up, and the writing was slowly appearing on the proverbial wall. A little more than a year after we became a thing, we were done. It was mutual, and amicable.
This Has Lots To Do With Money
So a year after getting the supposed woman of my dreams I was happy to see the relationship end. I had a model girlfriend that most other guys dreamed about, and chose to walk away.
I got what I wanted and it wasn’t enough.
Correction – I got what I thought I wanted. Turns out my thoughts betrayed me.
I was duped by my own brain. I wanted Sarah for all the wrong reasons, to “correct” things from my past. Just as so many people lust for that luxury car or massive house.
They want to project an image to people they’ll never meet, to boast, or to simply put points on the board in a fruitless race.
Maybe you really want that Porsche for good reasons. Sure, go at it. But if you just desire it to deal with depression, a mid-life crisis, or sadness, I have news for you. It’s not going to work.
The key is to figure out why you want it. It sounds easy, but it’s not.
Retail therapy, whether a new shirt or a Porsche, isn’t effective for depression.
Lessons
I still see Sarah every now and then at conferences or work events. We’re friendly, she’s a good person. She just wasn’t the person for me.
And she taught me a great lesson, that I must constantly scrutinize my desires. Turns out that many are pawns in a game. One that my brain plays to try to right wrongs, soothe sadness, or mask insecurities.
I like my brain, I just don’t always trust it.
So be careful out there, you just might get what you want and find out it’s not enough.
Very true Dave. We often idealized things and place them on a pedestal thinking that’s the missing piece in our life for happiness.
Once the newness of it fades away the only thing that makes it work is if there is substance behind it and not some superficial factor.
Regardless, congrats on getting a girl everyone wants to choose you.
Ah the pedestal… one must be extremely cautious of anything he or she chooses to put on it.
that’s just great. i followed a very similar dating pattern of being a bust and then when i figured it out all hell broke loose. i had the extremely attractive girlfriend and one said side note was when we were out and about women who wouldn’t give me the time of day six months prior somehow were now interested. must have been their own little competition.
there’s a great older song from canadian rockers The Northern Pikes called “she ain’t pretty she just looks that way.” that doesn’t apply to my ex gal or yours but often does apply. pete yorn is cool. confidence will take you far.
“women who wouldn’t give me the time of day six months prior somehow were now interested.” Yep, I’ve experienced that. Surely there’s a competition or jealously angle to it
The Northern Pikes are cool too, I have a digital copy of Big Blue Sky.
This is true if so many things we covet. Great post!
Thank you!!
Great post Dave…I really like “Figure out why you want it”.
It applies to almost everything in life, but especially in retirement. It’s easy to get caught up with buying shiny objects. Yet do they contribute to real happiness? More often its the simplest things such as time shared with those we love that is most important.
And it’s soooo hard Shannon. It’s easy to say we want an object because “it’s cool!”, but that’s really not the why. The real “why” is usually hard to figure out.
Good story. Do you want to start a family someday?
I’m with my wife for almost 30 years now. It’s good. I don’t know if I can handle dating these days.
Well, if I could find someone who could put up with me for 30 years (and vice versa) then perhaps. But that just hasn’t been in the cards.
Loved your article. Thanks for sharing. My favorite part was how you feel when you go to the mall. I laughed so hard because I can relate. Feels so good to know I am not alone. At most, I go to the mall once a year. I have 4 daughters and somehow got conned into it. Teenagers can be very persuasive when they need $ and transportation. Also, there is the guilt of spending time. Even my husband played on my guilt. Most likely because he didn’t want to do it! Luckily, all my daughters are driving and working now. Sadly, they spend love the mall.
If I could never set foot in a mall again for the rest of my life I’d be a happy man. And I might just pull that off, we’ll see.
I met my husband in HS (in NYC, no less) and we’ll have been married 26 years this July. I do think it’s important to share a financial temperament — we never fought about money b/c we’re both natural savers. That said, all relationships involve compromises, and there were other issues where we disagreed and had to work things out. So, yes, scrutinize your desires and be willing to compromise as needed.
Wow – huge congrats! I agree that all relationships involve compromise, and acceptance of differences.
This reminds of the time I read an article about why Millionaires and Billionaires are never satisfied with their wealth. It’s because the money they make isnt about the money, it becomes a game of points and that itself becomes addicting, trying to mass as many points as possible in a never ending leaderboard race.
So so true! I remember back in early 2000’s when the “richest man in the U.S.” competition was between Bill Gates and Larry Ellison. I heard an interview with Ellison and it mattered to him. Both of their net worths were in the billions but fluctuated each day to the share prices of Microsoft and Oracle respectively. He made some comment that showed he really cared and wanted to “win”. I was left just scratching my head and thinking how misguided someone’s desires can be. One big pissing contest.
Cool story. At least you got to date a model 🙂 I think this post is also a good lesson to anyone who is chasing FIRE just for the sake of reaching it. Some people might just realize it’s not their cup of tea after 10-20 years of chasing it.
Yep, it’s good to find out sooner than later if something is your cup of tea
Nice one. I really enjoyed the story, so thanks for sharing. I agree, knowing the internal motivations for your wants & desires is extremely important, even if you realize the underlying reason isn’t. It certainly makes life a bit easier.
Like BF above, I think this is particularly important in the context of FI (or any other “huge chunk of one’s life goal).
I try to question all of my desires now. I do not trust my brain even though she’s treated me well for the most part 🙂
Interesting perspective, Dave.
A big personal motivation for me to reach FIRE was just to have more time to spend with Jenni. Now that she’s working part-time, her coworkers, friends, family often ask what she does with her extra time. Among all the fun things in response is, similarly, spending more time with me. She’s often heard a reply that goes something like: “I don’t think I could handle spending even more time with !” I think that’s pretty discomforting.
I think we’re lucky. I hope you find the right partner to participate, lovingly and deeply, in life with.
Ha, love your comment and glad you found a spouse that you WANT to send more time with. I hear the opposite all the time as well, sad but true.
Interesting, just come in from a JLCollins post to your blog yesterday. I already started wondering whether you’ve ever had a girlfriend or not, after reading some posts. I see some interesting links with my life, past mid 20’s and now working since last year. I’ve never had a girlfriend myself, mostly out of avoidance. I remember shoving it to past my 18’s for religious reasons, then I rebelled against religion and put education on first place. And then a bad experience with the prettiest-girl-in-class that became too obsessed with me. Since then, here and there girls showed interest, but I didn’t quite respond (with sometimes some very awkward results). So, now I finished my BSc about a year ago, and I’m all about done as it seems. And nowadays I put it ahead of me in pursuit of my hobbies and sports. Dreaming of spending a year or so abroad, maybe doing a masters degree or working as an expat. And at the same time, my job feels like I hit the lucky bandwagon which will propel me ahead in the future (data analysis etc. in the manufacturing industry). Time will show I guess, but I’m doing fine either way. Getting a girlfriend now feels like I’m going to tie myself to one place, I’m too young for that mate. But I wouldn’t mind whooping a butt.
At the same time, I’ve had a bit of a similar youth to yours. Bullied to the point I had to regain trust in humanity (I was also the Fat Boy himself, but some say I wasn’t that thicc). Feeling awkward due to being a son of two parents which fled from an ex-communist country to a western country, being the only one from that country for years until they become part of the European Union. Having interests which don’t quite fit with the age, like history and the like. If I can tell you one thing, in the end we aren’t all as unique as we think because there have been people before us with the same kinds of struggles. The only difference being that we don’t live in the same age as they did, which in turn makes us unique I guess.
Just my ramblings.