Pretentious Douchebag Goes Into 5 Minute Dissertation Before Ordering $6 Cappuccino
CARBONDALE, CO – Local gasbag Brett Flaherty went into a five minute, stream of consciousness monologue in a pathetic attempt to deconstruct the cappuccinos at the ordering counter in the popular Bonfire coffeehouse in downtown Carbondale. “I’m kinda looking for a mix between a wet and a dry cappuccino. You know when you steam the milk and it gets kinda diluted but not too much, kind of like a scurro but with heavy overtones? Is yours like that?” droned Flaherty, totally oblivious to his obvious asshattedness. “It just seems that so many places make a cappuccino the same, and I’m looking for something creative and maybe more Italian.”
The barista, who according to witnesses had aqua-colored hair, hand tatoos, and a lip ring and clearly was no stranger to the details of cappuccino patiently let him finish and stated “We have cappuccino”, with her fist clenched.
“That sounds great, I’ll have one” said Flaherty.
At press time reporters confirm Flaherty paid $6 for his cappuccino of unknown dilutedness and put it on his credit card of unknown interest rate.
*Unlike other Turnip FIRE articles, this was actually witnessed by the author and is a true story.
There is nothing worse than wet beverages…except maybe oblivious asshattedness.
Beverages should be dry, like a $20 martini
If only I knew enough about exotic caffeinated beverages to be so pretentious, then I would know true happiness.
Favorite related joke: People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Ha – nice!
taking an interest in your food and drink is not necessarily a bad thing.
What if you didn’t give a hoot about what you put into your body?
It would be so nice to not have to care, I’d subsist on pizza and snickers ice cream bars!
Great read while indulging my free coffee at work.
you better deconstruct that coffee!
hahaha! I once went into a Starbucks here in LA and this annoying woman went on a diatribe about how many ice cubes should be in an iced-latte, then had a fit when there was one too many in her cup. Ridiculous!
I’m sure she can tell the difference between 7 or 8 ice cubes if she were blinded. That’s a super-power!
Sometimes for fun I tell people that I drink instant coffee at home. The ensuing 20 minutes is a nice place to zone out and not have to talk while getting lectured on my ignorant ways.
Ha – Hilarious! Nothing pisses off a coffee snob more than instant!
Ha ha. The real question is what artwork the barista chose to put on the foam. I wonder if it was a middle finger “flower”?
They didn’t do the drawing on the cup thing at that place, but if they did she sure would have!
Omg the true story sounds exactly like the rest 😂😂 I feel like you need to write a Turnip FIRE version of two truths and a lie at some point haha
I wonder if the guy was trying to impress the barista? When he realized it wasn’t working, as it seems by the ‘clenched fists’ perhaps he realized it was time to retreat? Not that I would have used that approach when I was single, but everyone tries something.
My wife and I heard a guy in a nice restaurant at the next table complain his white wine was too chilled. Could they perhaps bring him some room temperature grapes to put in the wine to warm it slightly. We nearly died suppressing the urge to roar hysterically. What a moment to remember forever!
He’s livin’ the diva life!