Your Money Horoscopes

Aries
Your girlfriend will get Warren Buffet to sign her boob at the Berkshire Hathaway meeting and even though you like investing you’ll just be really confused about the whole thing.

Taurus
Complaining there’s nothing good on Netflix while stealing your Mother’s account credentials somehow seems like adulthood.

Gemini
You remember when pennies were actually worth something but you also wear adult diapers.

Cancer
That cheap Dollar Store sex toy that sometimes gives you an electric shock might just be the side hustle idea you’ve been waiting for.

Leo
You might like your new $150 electric mixer but let me introduce you to a fucking whisk you idiot.

Virgo
You’ll change your order from a side salad to prime rib with lobster tale when you realize the group just decided to split the check evenly.

Libra
Unnecessarily going out of your way to pee in that 4th bathroom that you somehow thought you needed in your bloated McMansion will lose it’s thrill, to no ones surprise.

Scorpio
Your frugal ass will cut the purple mold off the end of the cheese and happily consume the rest.

Sagittarious
How’d that bitcoin obsession work out, you pathetic fuckwit?

Capricorn
You’ll blow the money you set aside to buy your wife an anniversary gift by day trading but somehow still convince yourself you’re a fully actualized human.

Pisces
Everyone at your local FI blogger meetup will order water, again.

Aquarius
All hope for keeping your unaffordable SUV will be lost when the repo man refuses to take your old Chuck E Cheese pizza coupons.