Your Money Horoscopes

Aries
After getting your first Bluehost affiliate sale, you’ll take your girlfriend to Applebees with that coupon you photoshopped.

Taurus
Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your local Aldi is closed for renovation, forcing you to explore the unknown.

Gemini
Your confidence will be boosted when your request for a raise is met with 6 additional projects.

Cancer
You’ll go into cardiac arrest when Vanguard’s website mistakenly shows your account balance as “account deleted”.

Leo
Pleather and velvet will rule the day when you go over to your frugal friends house for a pot-luck.

Virgo
Your BMW convertible will fail to get you laid for the 1,567th consecutive day.

Libra
You’ll discover a new hidden bathroom in your McMansion while frantically searching for the auditory annoyance of an iPad that you forgot you had.

Scorpio
Your boss will finally realize you don’t give a shit when you mistakenly send him an email saying “I don’t give a shit”.

Sagittarious
You will revisit 6th grade science and that attractive pharmacist as you ruthlessly push what’s possible with yogurt expiration dates.

Capricorn
Do not doubt for a moment that Tim Ferriss read your request for a guest blog post, and is nervously wondering how to respond.

Pisces
It’s a really bad time to travel, start a new relationship, begin a new business venture, or improve yourself in any way shape or form.

Aquarius
You will spend an hour in your basement trying to find the right box to hold your collection of stolen ketchup packets from Johnny Rockets.