Take Ownership, And Have Understanding

My Mom and Dad were in the front seat of the car, we were in a hospital parking lot.  My mom was sobbing.  They just found out my brother had diabetes, type-1.  He was 3 years old.  It’s my earliest childhood memory, and I can still picture the scene.

I grew up fat.  No, check that.  Obese.  Or obese-ish.  Breakfast every morning was Captain Crunch, or Fruity Pebbles.   A shovel-full of sugar dumped in milk.  My parents didn’t know any better.  We were super active kids, but enough franken-foods can cancel out any good physical activity.  Throw in the dawn of the video game era with the invention of Atari, and it only got worse.

At age 11 I was six feet tall and weighed about 210 pounds.  All fat.  I stayed overweight all the way through college and into my late twenties, peaking out at about 230lbs at age 26.  I partied a lot, I drank a lot, and I ate garbage food.

Today, I’m 6′ 4″, 162 lbs.  In modern American society, I’m skinny.  Super skinny.  As a semi-competitive weekend-hack runner and cyclist, skinny is a must.  Every additional pound is a penalty when I’m racing the 23 year old punks up a hill on my bike.

While talking to a colleague last week at work the conversation drifted to exercise.  I told her about my weekend activities, and she said “You’re so lucky that you’re skinny”.

Lucky.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had someone say this to me.  Yeah.  Lucky.

Sure.

So what happened?  How’d I lose all that weight?  Was it luck?

 

Own It

I took ownership, that’s what happened.  I did what it took, I cultivated discipline.  Through my 30’s I lost 60 pounds.  It was gradual, and it was hard.  There were many ups, and brutal downs.  I had to completely change my diet and my destructive habits. 

There were long days on the bike or running trail, suffering in the heat.  Suffering in the cold.  I owned it.  It wasn’t luck.  I moved.

I read about and studied nutrition, and still do.  I learned how to filter the facts from the sensational nonsense.

Then I stopped eating toxic fast-foods and lived what I learned.  

I took it by force.  For the hardest things in life, if you don’t take them by force, you probably won’t take them at all.

There’s no glossing over the hard facts, it was work.  More importantly for fitness, it was suffering.

And it still is, every day.  It’s a constant struggle.  If I relent, I risk getting fat again.  I’m still a fat kid inside, and that’s what drives me.

When I don’t want to go running, I go running.  When I dread lifting weights, I still lift weights.  Even if my heart isn’t in it I follow through.  I at least try.

In a world that desires instant gratification and “life hacks” more than ever, I’m here to tell you there’s no magic pill.

I have no choice the way I see it.  My brother was cursed with type-1 diabetes and I was blessed with perfect health.  In that way, being disease-free, I am indeed lucky.   How irresponsible would it be to squander that gift?

 

You Can’t Lie To The Person In The Mirror

In the end, I’m like you.  I like pizza.  And ice cream.  When I feel sad or depressed, I want to eat more too.  It’s human.

And Lord knows I don’t like 5 mile runs when it’s 25 degrees outside.

But I do them.  Why?  Because I’m the owner of my physical condition.  The buck stops with me.  My 230 pound self woke up one day and said “I’m going to get diabetes when I’m older unless I change”.  

It took me a while to get to the point of realization that if I don’t own it, nothing will change. 

I was the fat guy in the mirror.

What does this have to do with your financial life?  You’re probably reading personal finance blogs because there’s something you’d like to fix, improve, or change. 

Maybe you want a higher paying job, or to stop overspending.  Maybe you’re afraid of investing, or you just got divorced and are starting over.  Whatever it is, take ownership of it.  Look in the mirror, accept what is, and own it.  You’re the one who’s going to change it.  Pssst… here’s the shortcut:

There are no shortcuts.

 

Everyone Has A Struggle

I used to get angry when someone told me I was lucky to be skinny.  I’ve learned to look at it differently now.

I’ve learned that in saying “you’re lucky to be skinny”, they’re just absolving themselves of responsibility to achieve the same thing.  They’re projecting their own unfulfilled promises and failures on me.    

But it doesn’t make me angry anymore, because I get it.  I’m human too.  I’ve got more failures than anyone should have, and heaven knows I’ve projected them on other people before.

We’re all struggling with something many things.  We’re all working on improving something, or want to.  And we fail, we all do. 

So when we see someone accomplish what we’ve been unable to do, thinking or wishing or saying “it was luck” is a natural human way to dismiss it while simultaneously blocking uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy or failure. 

I’d be a blatant liar if I said I’ve never done that.  So I’d also be a hypocrite if I got mad at the colleague who told me I was lucky to be skinny. 

What I’d rather do is understand where she’s coming from, have some empathy, and help her take ownership of it.

 

Subscribe To New Posts Here!

Dave @ Accidental FIRE

I reached financial independence and semi-retired in my mid-40's through hard work, smart living, and investing. This blog chronicles my journey and explores many aspects of personal finance including the psychological and behavioral factors that drive our habits.

You may also like...

63 Responses

  1. This is spot on! I would have never guessed you were 6’4″… that is really impressive. and 230 to 170 lbs, wow! I’m 6ft even, and anything under 180 and i look like a greek god freak lol.

    I lift heavy, so i’m muscular-ish, so anywhere between 180-185, i’m beach body ready lol. But just like you say, i’ve had coworkers, family members say, your lucky, you have a high metabolism, haha. No i don’t, I’m up everyday at 4:00 in the morning, Tuesdays and Thursdays, i go to the gym. Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, i write for my blogs, and comment on other blogs.

    Saturdays and Sundays, i work out again, but typically at any time during the day, since i don’t have to be at work. There are two takeaways here, i am delaying my work out just to comment on your blog lol. And obviously, there is no way around hard work in any aspect of life!

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      You sound like more of a fast-twitch muscle guy. I’m slow-twitch through and through, so I excel at endurance sports. I can lift heavy weights till the cows come home and don’t gain much muscle. That’s okay though, I go with what I’m good at.

      Ha – sorry to delay your workout! Sounds like you’ve got rock-solid discipline and that’s most of the battle!

  2. Xrayvsn says:

    First off congratulations on the remarkable weight transformation. As a fellow fat guy trapped in a now average body I definitely feel your daily struggle. I was overweight my entire childhood and early college. I was 5 ft 10, and pushing 220 lbs by the time I decided to make a change in college (thought it would improve my chances with the opposite sex (amazing how much females can motivate you)). I started jogging track to about 4 miles a day. Was it fun? No. But I did it because I wanted to make a change and escape my overweight trajectory into adulthood. I ended up overshooting and became really skinny (172 lbs). Finally got to a happy medium in the low 180s.

    Unfortunately the weight started ballooning again when I was in a very unhappy 7 year marriage. You are absolutely right that food is a common fallback when you are depressed. At the end of my divorce I was back to where I was in childhood, topping scales around 225 lbs. I felt awful and knew about to turn 40 that this time it would be much harder to bounce back to where I wanted to be.

    But eventually I did it (this time using elliptical to protect joints) and diet. I’m happy to say that I am back in the 180s again and have been so for over 4 yrs. It is a struggle still because like you I love to eat. I typically binge eat when I go out knowing that I will just work it off with more exercise later in the week. So far I have been lucky that I am able to maintain this delicate balance (I luckily don’t eat out too much and when I stay at home I eat very healthy).

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Life really has a way of throwing flies in the proverbial ointment doesn’t it? Sorry about your divorce, that’s one of those life events that can throw you off the health-horse for sure. But mucho-kudos dude, you got it back in line. That’s awesome!

      Thanks for the kind words and keep it up, it’s a struggle but a worthy one!

  3. Spot on, AF!

    It really is an interesting paradigm! And you should be very proud of your progress. I’ve lost about 20 pounds over the last couple of years. Truth be told, I lost 20 pounds in one year and have just stabilized it. I work out so that I can eat, but am 6’0 and weigh 180. BMI < 26 though 🙂

    The area that my wife and I most often see this is with our kids. "You are so lucky they're well behaved." Let me say that luck has nothing to do with our very hard, consistent, and persistent parenting. It's no accident that our kids respect elders, attempt not to be selfish, and put others first. Are there just some 5% of kids that will be wild no matter what you do? Sure. The other 90-95% are usually a direct result of parenting. But saying "you guys are lucky" absolves them of their parenting responsibilities.

    I, like you, have also realized that humans are going to be human. This thing called life is hard. We all need to stick together and learn from each other.

    Thanks for that reminder today!

    TPP

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Congrats on the 20lbs Doc! And you’re spot on – well behaved kids didn’t get that way from genetic luck!

  4. 5 AM Joel says:

    Proud of you dude. Not just for owning it, but for continuing to maintain it. Perseverance = the hard work you do after your already tired of the hard work you just did.

    Keep it up!

  5. Doc G says:

    Do much truth here. Being healthy and wealthy is simple, but it’s not easy. It can be bone crushingly hard. The term persistence comes to mind!

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      “Bone crushingly hard”… yes, well-described. As another commenter said, “you gotta do the hard work (exercise) when you’re really tired from the hard work you just did (your job).

      Nothing about it is easy.

  6. There is someone I know in my life making TONS of excuses for their weight, then they do crash diets and have to spell out every detail of the fad diet on social media as if they figured it out. I think you and I know (because I was chubby as a teen) that it’s not an overnight fix. It takes years of daily discipline. But then again, I can’t judge, as I know I’ve make excuses in many areas of my life. I guess we all have our Achilles heel.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Ugh, crash diets…. Actually, almost all “diets” are a waste. The answer is “permanently change your eating habits”. But I understand why people try all these crazy diets, the industry is well funded and the ads are psychologically programmed to make you believe it’ll work.

  7. BusyMom says:

    That was truly motivating.

    I have been struggling with my weight ever since my son was born. I can make it go down, but I can’t keep it there. I get tired of watching everything I eat. I eat fairly healthy and exercise fine – Not sick yet, but it can’t be far away.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      It is a struggle Busy Mom, especially when you have young kids. Keep up the fight. You obviously have discipline so just stay the course and you’ll get there!

  8. Joe says:

    Good job! You have to take ownership of your life. Short cuts don’t work because they are too easy. People get used to it and fall back on their bad habits. The only way to change is the hard way.
    It’s getting harder to maintain my weight as I get older, though. I gained a few pounds over the last 2 years.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      You’re so right Joe, age ups the degree of difficulty, a lot. I’m coming to the realization that I can’t keep beating my 5k running times or my cycling times. There has to be an end. But I’ve found the key in your 40’s is DON”T fall off the wagon. Getting back on the exercise wagon is soooo much harder when you’re in your 40’s. And you bones hurt a little more too.

  9. Susan @ FI Ideas says:

    I’m lucky to be “skinny” too. I am 5’2″ and weighed 180 lbs and up/down from there the whole cubicle life. I wasn’t a fat kid, but a fat rat race worker, stuck in that stupid little box, working nearly every waking hour. When I finally quit my job, I was truly lucky. Lucky to stumble into a book on sale at Borders when they were shutting down. Gary Taubes “Good Calories, Bad Calories” changed my life and I’ve been working hard to follow a low-carb diet since. Plus, now that I’m out of the rat race and FI, I have time for hiking, taiko drumming, and lots of the outdoors. I’ve lost 50 lbs. It is not easy and there are times I still struggle, but in my case, being able to leave the workforce early saved my life.

    I’m off to Yosemite for an awesome trailer trip and hiking at high elevation for a few days. Aren’t I lucky?

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Wow, huge CONGRATS Susan!! And I remember that book title, although I never read it. I did read tons of other fitness and nutrition books. My biggest inspiration was probably “Younger Next Year”, such an awesome and inspiring book.

      Also, you’ll be happy to know that I’m currently transitioning to a semi-ketogenic diet. I mean “semi” because I don’t plan to get to full ketosis, that’s difficult to do and maintain. But I’m switching to much higher fat and lower carbs. Nutrition science keeps learning and all the evidence (now) points to our mistakes of the past in making fat the boogey-man. Sugar should have been the boogey-man all along.

      Lastly – I’m SUPER jealous!! Yosemite is one of my favorite places in the world. Haven’t been in a while although August is a possibility. ENJOY and do a blog post about it with pics!

  10. Dan K says:

    Great job in losing that weight and becoming healthier. It’s a tough journey and an ongoing one. My wife lost 70 pounds and everyday she continues to make the right choices to stay healthier. Yep, we all struggle with something. Congrats!

  11. i had the skinny part easy until my 30’s. it’s still pretty easy but running and biking was much more enjoyable when it was with my social circle. they’re all retired from it or live far away so it’s mostly a solo pursuit. people tell us we’re lucky to have so much free time but we did all the crap we needed to make that happen. it was by design and choice. i’ve gotten more empathetic to those types of comments with age too…unless the person is being an a-hole and then i cut it loose.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      I agree Freddy, I have a couple of cycling clubs that I ride with and tons of my friends started as cycling friends. The social aspect makes it much easier to keep doing it.

      And I don’t think I ever had someone be an a-hole in telling me I’m lucky, but yeah, if so I would have a low tolerance for that for sure!

  12. Those kinds of “skinny” comments really bug me, but I’ll try to reframe them in the same way you did. You’re probably right that people just say things like that to cover up the feelings that they have about themselves. Many people who try and fail to lose weight don’t make the lifestyle change necessary to succeed over the longterm. It sounds like you found the right combination of healthy diet and exercise and have the motivation to stick with it. For me, the right combination is running in the morning (and sometimes biking or walking after work) and being a vegetarian. I don’t actively try to lose weight, but I’m sure my lifestyle helps maintain it. Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Yep, it’s all about lifestyle change. Not a diet or even a new year’s resolution. A permanent change.

      I went close to vegetarian for the past 5 years. Only ate meat when I went to a restaurant, which wasn’t often. But lately I’ve been increasing my fats and decreasing my carbs to see how my running and cycling performances respond. I think I may have a minor gluten intolerance, so I may be eating more meat in the future if it works.

      Thanks for the comment!

  13. Kris says:

    I am happy for you my man! You owned up to your weight issues and took action by changing up your eating habits, working out, hiking, biking, etc..and pushed really hard to get there. And even better that you maintained it, some would lose that weight and slack off. Congrats and keep it up AF!!

  14. Man after meeting you it’s tough to imagine you 60 pounds heavier! That’s an awesome journey though, I absolutely agree with every word you said here. It’s really on all of us to take ownership of what has happened in our lives, what we want it to look like going forward and work to make it happen. Nobody is going to give it to us, nor would I want to be given something that I haven’t truly earned.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Yeah, I was kind of a plumper 🙂 Nothing’s free. And if they did make a magic pill that worked I’d be pissed!

  15. So I am lucky in that I’ve always been skinny. Enough activity in high school (dance and soccer) and a fast metabolism meant I could eat what I wanted with impunity (although we didn’t tend to have junk food laying around our house) and didn’t have to build healthy habits. Reality set in after college when my metabolism slowed down a bit and I started gaining some extra pounds that I wasn’t happy about. That was compounded by the fact that first I was unemployed for a few months and then after that I was miserable and hated my job and of course turned to food for solace. Which added to the pounds I wasn’t happy about.

    So the last few years have been an experiment in building much healthier food habits, actually becoming active (yes the five miles I tend to walk each day thanks to my lifestyle are good, but walking isn’t everything), and trying to maintain my weight after losing those few extra pounds. And even that’s a constant struggle. So kudos to you for writing this and for all the hard work you’ve put in and continue to put in every day!

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      You totally live the European lifestyle – you walk! I first went to Europe in 1997 and back then in France and Germany you had to try hard to find a fat person. There weren’t any. But our fast food garbage has crept it’s way in and they are now starting to see more weight problems. Still nowhere close to us because the walking still wards much of it off. But trash food like McDonalds can cancel out walking.

      Congrats to you – you’re going to have crests and troughs. Don’t worry about those, just don’t let them get out of hand.

  16. That explains the hiking and biking. I’ve always been skinny…kinda built into the Asian DNA…and the piggishness. As I get older though, I think my metabolism has slowed and I’m catching myself being more careful. Not once did I go “well I’m older and I’m going to get fatter, so might as well.” It’s not an excuse and you have to own it.

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Ha, piggishness. Metabolism slows for almost everyone with age, but you saying “older” is funny. You still have your quarter life crisis to finish up…

      Believe it or not, some of the kids I grew up with in Baltimore who I’m no longer friends with took the attitude that you detailed. They just don’t care. They have a “well what’s life if you don’t enjoy it – bring on the cheesecake!” attitude, and they’re obese and very unhealthy. I feel you can enjoy life and live long. They’re sadly mostly likely not going to do the latter, and if they do they’ll be in a wheelchair and need gastric-bypass and new knees by the time they’re 70.

  17. Ownership is an incredible principle. If people haven’t read Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink then I highly suggest it. This is something that benefits both your person life and your career.

    Thanks for the candid view!

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      I haven’t read Jocko’s book but I’ve seen his vids and listened to his podcast. His episodes with Tim Ferriss are really good too. The guy is hardcore and intense, and the discipline bleeds from him.

      Thanks for the great comment, glad you stopped by!

  18. Very motivating post, thank you for the inspiration! I’ve always been interested in food and nutrition. Over the years I’ve developed a mindset that allows me to view junk food as the junk it is – I’m not interested in eating it. However, I still enjoy eating and even though my diet is healthy, I think I just eat too much of the good stuff because I weigh more than I want to. I’m now working on eating less and moving more!

    • Accidental FIRE says:

      Yes, you can eat too much healthy food too, been there, done that. It’s all about calories in vs. calories out. We’re all in this struggle together.

      Thanks for the kind words!

  19. Good stuff Dave. Dang, 164 lbs at your height is fit! My fighting weight is 155 lbs at 5’10” for tennis. But that weight was achieved back in high school.

    I’m going to use my kids as motivation to get in better shape so I can hopefully live longer. As an older father now, living as long as possible to spend time with them is my biggest goal.

    Here’s to at least 10 lbs and a yummy salad!

    Sam

    • Dave @ Accidental FIRE says:

      Thanks Sam! I used to play a lot of tennis and I really miss it. I don’t have any friends who play now and I’ve been meaning to get back into it. I’m sure chasing your kids around is a great way to burn calories :

      Good luck with your fitness journey, it’s a constant battle but worth it!

  1. August 7, 2018

    […] not the best mountaineer out there, far from it.  I’m a former fat kid.  But I do have persistence.  At times it probably drifts into the realm of stubbornness, and that […]

  2. January 15, 2019

    […] than the advice given in that podcast.  As a reminder, I’m a guy who grew up as a fat kid and lost 60 pounds as an adult.  So I feel I have some credibility in the fact that at least I totally transformed my own body.  […]

  3. February 12, 2019

    […] mine.  This is my exact experience with these chemicals!  I had a period in my 20’s when I was overweight and started drinking diet soda, because I bought into the hype like […]

  4. February 15, 2019

    […] was also borderline obese and a physical wreck.  So like those pro athletes that Steveark mentioned, I was kicking ass and […]

  5. April 30, 2019

    […] I was very overweight, and close to obese myself.  I got sick a lot, I was a mess.  After I lost 60 lbs and got thin and healthy, I never get sick.  I feel great.  I have energy. […]

  6. February 23, 2020

    […] depriving myself of pumpkin pie (and other fleeting wants), I've gained a healthy body and financial independence. I now have the ability to leave my job at any time — forever — and […]

  7. February 25, 2020

    […] I acquired the discipline to change my diet and exercise habits to lose over 65 pounds and avoid the sure path to type-II […]

  8. July 7, 2020

    […] Before you finish that angry email or tweet you’re typing up, here’s the deal.  If you’re overweight or obese, I don’t dislike you – I commiserate with you because I was once too.  […]

  9. August 11, 2020

    […] food and exercise frequently, but I’m also a very flawed humanoid.  It’s hard, as a former borderline obese person, I get […]

  10. January 26, 2021

    […] calories a day.  No, my metabolism isn’t naturally high, it’s quite the opposite.  I was obese in my 20’s, been there done that.  Not going back.  Health first, […]

  11. February 12, 2021

    […] I’m a good deal older than Tom and although not a fraction of the athlete he is, as a former obese guy I can attest that putting healthy food in your body everyday changes […]

  12. March 2, 2021

    […] and unsubscribed.  That’s okay.  If you think it’s impossible, look at me.  If I can lose 70 pounds, beat my lifelong stutter, and reduce my dependence on alcohol, you can assuredly do […]

  13. April 9, 2021

    […] By late summer last year Don saw the writing on the wall about obesity and COVID.  He was frightened.  He started asking me about bikes, and I helped him find a good used steed.  He started changing his diet, and cut back on the alcohol.  To date Don has lost 29 pounds and feels better than ever!  He’s getting past those really hard early days of behavior change.  I keep cheering him on as a mentor, and I have tons of empathy for him, because I was once obese too.  […]

  14. April 13, 2021

    […] I wasn’t getting sick.  Heck, since I lost about 70 pounds from my obese days and got in shape I never even got minor colds anymore.  I couldn’t remember the last time I […]

  15. April 20, 2021

    […] achieved financial independence and completely revamped my body by setting up systems to avoid temptation, to crush the wild horse.  Self control and willpower […]

  16. May 25, 2021

    […] said my story of losing 75lbs and becoming a marginally talented endurance athlete inspired them.  All jokes aside, that makes […]

  17. July 2, 2021

    […] not into shaming people, he’s into being empathetic and understanding their struggle.  As a former obese guy myself who took about a decade to get to a healthy weight, I can tell you his approach works […]

  18. August 3, 2021

    […] did eventually kick my McDonald’s habit.  And that started me on the long journey to lose 70 pounds and become the healthy person I am now.  I also learned to be careful of “free”, […]

  19. November 23, 2021

    […] used to be obese.  And a functional alcoholic.  In those days my lifestyle was working against my body, preventing […]

  20. January 18, 2022

    […] you’re not a regular reader you may not know that I used to be obese and unhealthy in every way, but now firmly ensconced in middle age I’m the healthiest and fittest […]

  21. July 26, 2022

    […] I say not to be judgmental I mean that – I don’t judge people based on their weight.  I’m a former obese guy and experienced that crap, and I won’t do it to others.  But at the same time facts are […]

  22. August 23, 2022

    […] nothing like the person I was in my younger years.  Back then I was a functional alcoholic, obese, and kind of a hot mess.  Sure, some parts of me have stayed consistent since those days like my […]

  23. August 29, 2023

    […] is one of the things that got this formerly obese guy fit, and I’m not going to give it up after a crash.  And when the stock market is the thing […]

  24. February 27, 2024

    […] this point in my life I’m a health nut, full stop.  No bones about it.  I grew up obese, turned into a functional alcoholic, and somehow escaped all that mess to become pretty darn fit in […]

Drop Me A Comment - What's On Your Mind?

Verified by MonsterInsights